Day 38 - Energy and Competition

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So today I rolled out of bed with minutes to spare to get to work.  I don't know how it happened!  Thank goodness I'd packed my lunch the day before because I needed any extra moments to feed the dog and grab my stuff together before nearly being late. 

As it happened, I forgot to bring utensils for my lunch and snacks.  This wasn't as awful as it could have been since Jon'd made these personal gluten-free 8" pizza's last night.  I ate 1/2 of mine, thinking I'd bring the other half for lunch.  This was, essentially, finger food so that wasn't too bad.  I just couldn't eat my greenbeans nor could I eat the veggie casserole.  Thankfully I had 2 oranges.  Ah!  Food you can eat with your hands, solely!

It sufficed. 

I drank a ton of water today too.  80 oz!! :)

So, my energy has been sort of blech lately.  I don't drink coffee and I really try to eat clean, healthy food, but for some reason I'm not feeling the pep.  Although, I feel less "sluggish" than when I wasn't watching my portions or eating anything I wanted.   So I'm not sure if its too little on calories or too little on protein or something.  I'm just not certain where it lies.  It's like I have to "rev up" to do my workouts.  And I do get them done, they just feel like they are often endless!

I have noticed when I am in a competition, I will try and do my best to win.  Especially if I enjoy the activity or enjoy the "battle".  A good example of this would be the game Cribbage.  I like that game. I like games in general.  However, I think because it's just for fun, I don't get emotionally involved.  I used to.  But, what irks me is the competitive nature of some of my friends.  I find it can get in the way of my journey.  I'm fairly supportive of someone when they are trying to accomplish something.  I send out love and strength and kind words.  However, I'm noticing there are people who are incredibly supportive and I really thank them for their awesome words of encouragement.  They mean THE WORLD to me. But others have made less-than-supportive comments like, "Oh now, why would you need to lose weight"?  Or, "Don't become anorexic!" Or, "Don't make me pig out alone!" Sometimes they just press me for information (like wanting to know the number of my actual weight), which make my instincts perk up and ask why they want to know?  Why is that particular information relevant?

Now, I don't want to say these people are all toxic or bad. I think I've gotten rid of those types of people long ago.  But as far as feeling comfortable with disclosure on information or process or what have you, I find I'm playing close to the vest. 

Upon discussing the idea of competition, I notice these people to be proud of their competitive nature.  And I think some competition is healthy.  Some. I think some competition is destructive.  I don't want to feel compelled to compare weight/size/calories.  I think it breeds a bad ground for support and love.  Can't we all just agree we're on our own journey?  It's not about who got there first but that we all get there at our own time?

I know I'm unique in that I'm blogging, daily, about this approach.  I guess, along with the personal demons I face I also have to learn how to handle the other people in my life.

The one thing about getting involved with the self, is it makes it easy to not make time for everyone else.  That was my modus operandi.  But, balance is the key.  Time for me AND time for others. 

I know I'll accomplish this.  It just feels awkward so far.  Sort of like a puppy with big feet trying to negotiate walking/running.

On the really plus side:  I moved to doing 12 lbs each hand for all my leg squats!! :)

Today's Goal: Get back in the workout routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Do three 2 minute sprints for cardio

Calories Consumed:  1148

Workout:
         Cardio:
              3 minutes warm up
              42 minutes jog/run/kick/invis.jump rope
              (4- 2 minute sprints)
              8 minutes cool down/stretch

        Strength Training:
               50 push ups
               Slim in 6pack abs routine - 11 min
               100 regular squats (12 lbs each hand)
               100 regular pulsed squats (12 lbs each hand)
               100 plie squats (12 lbs each hand)
               100 pulsed plie squats (12 lbs each hand)

Day 37 - Marketing and Skype

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

So today was my last late day at this job.  On Tuesdays, the manager usually works from 11am - 7pm.  They didn't bother to tell me that when I was hired for the job.  I worked it out so I did come in 11-7 last Tuesday and this one.  But next week, I am working 9-5 all 5 days.  Getting off on the schedule has messed up my sleep patterns.

Case in point:  Today!

I got up early to do my cardio.  I was pretty darn exhausted but I made it through.  I rediscovered TLC on our basic cable network and got pathetically sucked into "Toddlers and Tiaras".  Wow.  Just, wow.  Why do these people even HAVE kids?  They should just get dolls and dress them up!  But I digress...

So I busted out the cardio and quickly showered, got my food together, fed the dog, made the bed, etc. and ran out of the house to START my 8 hour work day. 

While I was there the day felt ENDLESS.  The only thing that got me through was using the time after 5pm as a chance to work on marketing for my voice over demos.  I am preparing to send out the postcards and I'm thrilled to start this process!  It's taken a LOT of preparation, but I know it will work out in the end.  I just have to keep at it.  :)

So accomplishing a lot of that was very helpful to my mood.  It wasn't, however, very helpful for my exhaustion!  By the time I arrived home, wonderful Jon Wolter had cleaned the rabbit hutch and the chinchilla hutch, alone.  I felt terrible not helping him but I was so tired I just wanted to crawl into bed!  I decided I would just suck it up and make today a cardio only day and jump back in tomorrow.  Sometimes you just have to allow your body to tell you what it needs.

After dinner, Jon got "Skyped" by our buddy Jon Taie in Boston.  It was really nice to see him.  Yay for new technology!  We laughed a lot and joked about the wedding and him coming to that.  It was a blast.  I ended up saying goodnight around 10:30pm.  I was hoping a good night's sleep would be in the cards for me!

Today's Goal: Get the cardio done before work - SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Jump back in the workout routine - abs/legs tomorrow

Calories Consumed - 987

Workout:
      Cardio:
           3 minutes warm up
           40 minutes jog/run/kick/shadow boxing/invis. jump rope
           4 - 1 minute jump/sprints

      Strength Training: NONE

Day 36 - Temping and Tired

Monday, December 28, 2009

So today was back to the temp job.  It's been ok so far.  Not too difficult, although I tend to get frustrated when I don't have answers to questions.  I like being able to solve problems and often I feel like I'm bugging people with the answers more than I "should" because I've encountered something I'm just not equipped to deal with. 

But, I don't want that to preclude me from being asked back to work here again.  The money is decent and the work isn't awful.  Again, I do like that I'm pretty much by myself and there's no one looking over my shoulder.  As exhausting as the work can sometimes be, I do MUCH better by myself.

I found myself in a frustrating situation when I received a call from my supervisor who works at the main office in the city.  Here's how the conversation started:

Supervisor:  "Hello Ali, how was your Christmas?"

Me: "Oh it was great, thanks!  How was yours?"

Supervisor: "It was good.  Look, Ali, you have to keep the office door open."

Me: stunned silence "Um...oh! Ok.  Sorry I--"

Supervisor: "Yeah, the residents are calling to complain the door is closed and they don't know you are open"

Me: "Oh, wow, I'm sorry.  I actually put a note on the door that says, "PLEASE KNOCK. WE ARE OPEN"

Supervisor: "Yeah, I need you to keep it open, regardless"

Me: "Oh well, sorry, I mean, it gets really cold in this office and [the manager] said during training it was ok to do that as long as I put up a note saying we were here and open.  But that's ok, I'll just leave the door open"

Supervisor: "Oh. It's cold?"

Me: "Yeah, that's the only reason the door's been closed.  I have only left the office twice.  To go to the bathroom."

Supervisor: "Well, can you keep the door propped open a little?"

Me: "Yeah, sure, no problem.  I'll just deal with it.  No worries."

Supervisor: "Thank you."

So, yeah, that is just an inkling of how the day went.  I was here until 5:30 (I'm usually off at 5pm) dealing with a stupid issue.  UGH! 

By the time I got home I was in NO MOOD to work out.  But I did.  I think I got about 68oz of water in.  So that's good, I guess. I was shooting for 80 but it wasn't in the cards.

I also had to truncate my cardio.  I was beat. 

BUT!!!  We bought 12 lb weights this weekend and I added them in to my upper body routine!  And tomorrow I'll add them to the lower!  YAY!

Fingers crossed for an uneventful rest of the week!

Today's Goal: Drink more water = SUCCESS/FAIL (my internal goal was to drink 80 oz.  I didn't quite get there.  But I got about 68oz so that's much better than I've been in previous days.  So I don't feel too awful)

Tomorrow's Goal: Get the cardio done before work. (late starting time at the job)

Calories Consumed: 957

Workout:
      Cardio:
          3 minutes warm-up
          30 minutes jog/run/invisible jump rope/kicks/shadow box
          (4 - 1 minutes sprints)
          8 minutes cool down/stretch

     Strength Training:
         50 push ups
         50 back rows (15 lbs each hand)
         20 biceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
         30 biceps curls (10 lbs each hand)
         20 triceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
         30 triceps curls (10  lbs each hand)
         20 shoulder press (12 lbs each hand)
         30 shoulder press (10 lbs each hand)
         20 chest flies (12 lbs each hand)
         30 chest flies (10 lbs each hand)

Day 35 - Plan and Decide

Sunday, December 27, 2009

So today Jon and I planned to go to Target and finish up some shopping we'd been meaning to get done for a couple of weeks.  We woke up at a decent hour and I decided I wanted to workout first so I could have the evening to just chill out.  It was a good plan!

Got my entire workout in and then we finished up our crazy shopping trip.  We have a few last minute gifts to send out and then we are finished!

I have decided to try and make a general list for the week in hopes that I can feel a bit more organized in my weekly scheduling.  Some of it is for the apartment (chores Jon and I have to get done but always find overwhelming when they've not been planned), and some are career/work/personal oriented.  Just for me.

I'm hoping having a list will help to keep me focused.  There are definitely days when I feel like I am barely making it through, time-wise, and I have had to avoid seeing people to make sure I'm getting my workouts/food/chores in.   I think with a little extra planning I will be able to coordinate things so that if there's a spontaneous get-together I can actually meet up with someone.  Which would be nice! :)

Jon and I have started filling out a book called "All About Us".  It's a neat little book that has questions and blanks that we fill out together and helps to facilitate conversation(s) about our relationship.  In most cases we've realized we've discussed these things but it's nice to have confirmation that feelings haven't changed or our understandings were just assumptions.  Etc.  It's been a neat thing to do to prepare for this marriage thing. :)

Other than that, all is well here. :)

Today's Goal: Get back in the workout routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: DRINK WATER!  (I don't think I'm drinking enough.  Stomach pains/heartburn and headaches are probably a good indicator I'm not.)

Calories Consumed: 1047

Workout:
       Cardio:
            3 minutes warm-up
            45 minutes jog/run/kicks/invisible jump rope
            (6 minutes of sprints/ 4 minutes of kicks)
            8 minutes of cool-down/stretch
  
      Strength Training:
           Slim in 6pack abs - 11 minutes
           100 regular squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 plie squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each hand)

Day 34 - Recovery and Friendship

Saturday, December 26, 2009

So today was a lovely day!  Jon and I went to meet our friends K and Lori for lunch!  It was BLISSFUL!  We had a fantastic time and I made great choices with my meal.

In catching up, I realized how far I've come in a short time.  I know I still have a long journey ahead of me.  Pretty much a lifetime since I believe we are always able to learn and grow.  But, I'm seeing myself approach life and love and people in a better and healthier way.

This makes me happy. :)

It warms my heart to know that my dear friends give their "stamp of approval" on Jon Wolter.  I know he's wonderful and I am so lucky he's in my life.  But it helps to know that my friends agree.  Especially since with my ex, no one really liked him and EVERYONE thought it was a mistake that I was marrying him.  Except me.  This time, I've asked for reactions and, even when I haven't, they've been consistently positive.  This makes me happy.  I like knowing that the people who have my back think my intended is a good choice.  :)  I like that they like him. :)

Today was a full recovery day for workout.  I will replenish and return tomorrow!

Todays' Goal:  Make healthy choices at lunch = SUCCESS! (Got a salad -balsamic dressing on the side- with salmon)

Tomorrow's Goal: Jump back into my workout routine

Calories Consumed: 840

Workout = NONE - recovery

Day 33 - Weigh in week 5 and Christmas Dinner

Friday, December 25, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day. I'd been not feeling 100% this week, what with my moods and feeling like ick most of the week. I would not have been surprised if I didn't lose any thing. I would have been disappointed but not surprised.

As it goes, I lost 2 ounces. Not too bad. I'm obviously slowing down in the weight loss "frenzy". I know that happens, but it's slightly frustrating. My friend, Adam, (who has done an IRONMAN - yeah, I KNOW! ) tells me it's possible I'm not eating enough calories so my body isn't cooperating as well as it should/could. I'd LOVE to think he's right. It'd be nice to have the ability - nay - the NEED to eat more calories.

He says there's a fancy scale that can measure fat percentage and hydration as well as weight. That could give a more accurate look at what is going up and down. In other words, if my body fat is going up even if my weight is going down, that actually means I need to eat MORE calories because my body is holding onto the fat because it thinks I'm in starvation mode. Weird! So, maybe I will get ahold of this fancy schmancy scale. :) Thanks for the tip, Adam! You rock!

Tonight we had dinner at my Mom's house for Christmas. It was really fun! My mom is always coming up with crazy fun things to add to the fun of the celebration. This time she claimed Santa had visited and brought a gift for everyone. It was a lottery ticket! So everyone got a ticket and everyone promptly lost. It was great, though! :)

I was as careful as I could be on my calories and I even had a glass of wine and a very small piece of the amazing chocolate cake my mom baked.

I came home after dinner and worked out. Yes I did. Go me!

All in all, a very successful and fun holiday!

Today's Goal: Do not feel guilty = SUCCESS! I was careful and took what I wanted and ate it happily!

Tomorrow's Goal: Make good choices at lunch (having lunch with K and Lori!)

Calories Consumed: 1183

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

45 minutes jog/run/shadow box/kicks

(6 one-minute sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training

5o push ups

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each hand)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each hand)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each hand)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each hand)

Day 32 - Joy and Reading

Thursday, December 24, 2009

So today has been a very "chill" day at work. Very few distractions via phone/email and pretty much all around quiet.

It's given me time to read. Which I adore! I almost never carve out time in my day to do it. I always think I "should" be doing something else. Working on this monologue or sending out this thing for my business...etc. I live in a world of "shoulds" when I have so many "wants".

Truthfully, this job has allowed me the time to read and that makes me so grateful. When I fall into a story I am totally transported. I live the emotions they live, I anticipate their reactions and feelings. It's like I am experiencing the story along with them. It's an investment. Not just of time, but of emotion.

When I complete a book and the story ends (no sequel, or I've finished all the sequels), I'm actually depressed for a while. I feel like I've lost the people. They've "left" so to speak, to go live their lives. It's something I've also experienced with films and TV shows, in some cases. But it's never as heartbreaking as with books. I think it's because I am reading about every nuance and thought and I'm right there breathing with them.

Like I said, an investment. :)

This has been a much better holiday for me than recent years. I've learned so much about myself and my strength. I used to tell my teacher, K Spang, that I understood that I had "things to get through". The fact that I had the knowledge that I had issues should have been enough, right? I figured if I saw my problems, labled them, saw them clearly well, then, I should be allowed to avoid the suffering of FEELING them or going through the process of dealing with them for real. K Spang would say, "Ali, you keep seeing that door and just desperately want to be on the other side of it". I'd say, "YES!" And she'd say, "Well, here's the deal. By acknowledging the problem you've only just NOTICED the door. Now you have to start working your way towards it. You just want to fly through it. It doesn't work that way".

And she was right.

So this holiday season I am really enjoying my time staying warm and close and happy and grateful for love and laughter and joy. Joy is an emotion that I have felt guilty for feeling for so long. I'm not going to feel guilty feeling joy tonight. Maybe that should be my goal for tomorrow. Mom's making dinner and I don't want to feel any guilt. So that's my goal.

Thank you for sticking with my crazy rants of blog-i-tude. Your continued support is incredible. This journey is a good one. Hard, but good. I thank you. And I wish you a glorious happy holiday eve!

Today's Goal: Drink 80 oz of water + Take multi-vitamin = Fail/success (took the vitamin - had about 65-70 oz, but I wasn't too disappointed)

Tomorrow's Goal: Feel no guilt.

Calories Consumed: 1087

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-ups

20 minutes jog/run

3 minutes cool-down

Strength Training:

Slim in 6pack abs routine - 11 min.

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 pulsed regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 31 - PMS? and Doc appointments

Wednesday, December 23, 2009



I. Am. Exhausted! I don't know if I'm not getting enough sleep, or the right sleep or the right kind of enough sleep, but I am dragging! It was an epic battle to get me out of bed this morning and get myself even remotely ready for work. I should not have been allowed out the door looking or wearing what I am currently wearing! Luckily, I did not forget to pack a lunch and snacks so I'm all set there.



I'm nervous about my ability to actually work out today. I may just fall into bed fully clothed and fall right back to sleep! I mean, if that's the case, then obviously my body needs it, but I'm feeling like I'm falling behind or something.



I've been irritable. Short-fused. Emotional (well, more than I usually am). I think I might have PMS. Which would account for my moods... BUT, what worries me is the scale. I KNOW it will either stay the same (minor horrors!), or INCREASE (TERRIFYING HORRORS!!!!!). I just have to trust that the scale is not my only means of measurement, (clothing and such) and to trust that once these weeks are over (the PMS and the actual week I menstruate) my body will go back to normal again. Right? RIGHT?????



Ugh. Exhausted AND paranoid.



I've heard that working out when you are PMS'ing is actually helpful. Yeah. I've never found that to be true. I have endometriosis and when the cramps hit, I hit the bed, fetal position, heavy advil and I whine mercilessly.



I'm a terrible patient. Because I'm impatient.



Poor Jon. I hope he doesn't have to deal with a tough month. Usually the worst of it only lasts a day or so. But it's not pleasant, regardless, for either of us. Although he takes it in stride. Good guy that he is. :)



To add to my complaining I'm going to make a freaking doctors list.

Jon and I really need to hit the doc's and I'm making sure that the money I'm making for these 3 weeks is delegated to our health. So...

-Gyno check up - ALI

-Get mammogram - ALI (already called for a prescription)

-Dentist cleaning - JON

-Dentist cleaning - ALI

-Dermatologist - JON

-Dermatologist - ALI

-Eye Doc check up - ALI


Today's Goal: Finish and send out holiday cards = SUCCESS/FAIL (finished them, didn't have enough stamps! Gotta do that tomorrow)


Tomorrow's Goal: Get 80 oz of water in + multi-vitamin


Calories Consumed: 1102


Workout:
Cardio:
3 minutes warm-up
50 minutes jog/run
(6 one-minute sprints)
8 minutes cool-down/stretch


Strength Training:
100 push ups
50 back rows (10 lbs each side)
50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)
50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 30 - Alone and Normal

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


So today I had a weird schedule with work. I wasn't told when I signed on to this job that Tuesdays would be from 11am - 7pm. I was taken aback by it at first, and then realized that except for the last week I work, this isn't too big of a deal. So that day I'll work 10 - 6. No big deal. :)


But it's a little odd.


However, it afforded me time to workout this morning and accomplish my daily goal! YAY! I DID get in my cardio AND my ab routine. All that's left is legs. I can do that after dinner! :)


My mom was telling me that all of her friends that have daughters have been having issues with them. The daughters tell them, (the mothers) that they don't know anything. Or they demand things or whatever. I am actually surprised. I mean, my mom's friends all have big personalities but I never would have thought they'd have such issues communicating with their daughters.


Jokingly, I asked what she says when her friends are complaining about their daughters. She, politically said, "Oh nothing! I don't have those problems". Good answer, Mom. :)


This office has me alone for a LOT of the time. I am cherishing this time. It affords me reflection and time to explore things that our crazy, busy lives don't usually allow. I used to hate/fear time without stimulation. It meant I had to just "be with my thoughts". That was horrifying!! Now, I like it. I look forward to it.


Well, along with the snow today, it's definitely getting festive in this city. I am wearing my new shoe-boots (they are so comfy. They form to your feet!) that I got as a gift. :) They are bright red! Absolutely festive! They make me smile!

I definitely fell off the wagon of doing my leg exercises. Having a late day at work left me utterly exhausted. I did well on the cardio front, adding an extra 5 minutes plus sprints so I'm feeling good about that. Hopefully my legs will understand my not working them out today.


Today's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work = SUCCESS!


Tomorrow's Goal: Finish the holiday cards and get 'em sent out


Calories Consumed: 1154

Workout:
Cardio:
3 minutes warm-up
50 minutes run/jog
(5 one-minute sprints)
8 minutes cool-down stretch


Strength Training:
Slim in 6 ab routine (slim and 6pack -- 11 minutes)

Day 29 - Me first and addiction

Monday, December 21, 2009

So today I had to work for this temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. It's not a bad gig, actually. The residents are pleasant and the staff is really awesome and helpful.

I love that I am working by myself in this office. It's wonderful and "freeing" to not be watched all the time. I do have a supervisor I will check-in with when necessary but he works out of the corporate office.

I find that I'm identifying, in myself, certain behaviors and reactions that I'm not sure I was aware of. For example: I've noticed how much less anxiety I've felt recently. I don't know if it's from a clearer focus on what I actually want to do with my life or because of my more stable lifestyle.

I have surrounded myself with very addictive people while I stayed "unaddicted" or "the one you can count on". I was always surprising people when they realized I didn't have a true eating disorder, or alcoholism, or drug problem. Considering my abusive past and more recent relationships it did seem "not normal".

I believe I made myself anxious and crazy and found solace in helping others to the detriment of myself. I would take on charity cases and focus on them without ever having to focus on me. It's exhausting having to really take myself into account. I guess I never thought I was all that great to be around. I truly didn't like myself and couldn't understand why anyone else would like me.

When I looked at myself with a hard critics eye, I realized that I was really right about everything I thought. And I was jealous that others didn't have these "problems". It pissed me off. I finally realized I was my own self-fulling prophecy. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, "No, Ali, you're fine! You're great!". Funny thing was, people WERE telling me that. ALL THE TIME. I just didn't believe them. I believed this crazy idea in my head. I don't want that crazy idea to be right anymore. So the only thing I can change is how I approach things and my behavior, right? So, yeah.

This is part of the reason I started this blog. Yes, it was to be accountable to myself about how much I'm consuming and how much I'm working out. But, also, I know what I've done for 33 years hasn't worked. So it was time to try it a different way.

My ex pushed me to walk away from our life and our wedding two months before the date. He manipulated me and kept my dog, claiming he'd take me to court and win since his father is a lawyer. He tugged at every heartstring I had and then would push me away and ignore me, claiming "he needed space". I was miserable, but I thought it was love.

It wasn't love. It was addiction.

Ugh, there is SO much more I could go on about with this one. Suffice it to say, going "cold turkey" on an addiction is really really hard. It doesn't help that I suffer every day and miss my dog. However, I know it's the best compromise given the circumstances.

I see what a stable life and real love really means with Jon. We have a true partnership. It's special and real and he doesn't try to manipulate my feelings by threatening to leave me or push me away to see how hard I'll try to fight back. We trust each other. There is no walking on eggshells or anxiety about how we deal with each other.

That is love. Sustainable and real love.

I'm trying not to regret anything. That's hard. Putting things in the past is not an easy thing for me. It's definitely still a process I'm working on.

That said, my day ended on a good note. We got all our errands done that we set out to do today. Dishes are done, animals are fed and I had a good workout. All in all a reflective but good day!

Today's Goal: Do my workout = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work

Calories Consumed: 1012

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

50 minutes (jog/run - with five 1 min. sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training:

50 push-ups

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 28 - Insomnia and stuck in the middle

Sunday, December 20, 2009

So today we were going with my mom and meeting with the videographer for the wedding. Before that, we were headed to my aunt's house for a "belated" Chanukkah party.

Party was great. I made good food choices and got some nice gifts. :)

The videographer looks like he will do a very nice job for the wedding. He's young, but knows the business very well. I like that.

On the way home I realized that my lack of sleep last night was REALLY catching up with me. I had so much energy yesterday I couldn't fall asleep. I stayed up reading. I finished my book and looked at the clock and it was 5 am! Woah!

So, with the lack of sleep and the late day, I decided to make this day my recovery day. And it's a good thing I did. I ended up falling asleep after Jon made dinner at 6:00! I slept until about 12:30 am, woke up, brushed my teeth and promptly fell back to sleep!

Earlier today Jon and I had a discussion about a friend of ours. I'm really worried about him. He's been making some decisions about his life that are worrisome. While Jon and I are equally concerned, I think, my emotional investment is more, in some ways. I feel guilty or responsible or something and it makes me sad/frustrated/angry. I don't really know how to get a handle on the feelings, lately. I guess it just sucks to watch someone not realize or see the mistakes they are making.

I suppose that's how my best friends felt when I was about to get married to my ex. They were silently screaming at me to see what they could clearly see. Actually, one of them was loud and clear and finally just had to walk away since she couldn't sit and watch me destroy myself (and my ex was quite a phenomenal asshole to her so it would have been detrimental for her to hang out with him, too).

Luckily for me after he was out of the picture, she and I reconciled. As horrible as it was to lose her, I realize why she had to do what she did. And I will ALWAYS be grateful for her being honest with me about why.

I am a coward. I should take a tip from my best friend and talk to this guy. But I feel like he's so down and out right now that the conversation would just add to the "badness". I don't see a good way to talk about this without it coming off crappy and preachy. Yet, I don't see a way to cut off from him without consequences.

I don't want to have to walk away.

I'm stuck in the middle of my emotional feelings about this one. It feels like I'm enabling if I physically help and it feels like I'm abandoning if I don't. I'm trying to, once again, find the balance of supporting without enabling. It's a really fine line! I kinda suck at it, actually. And, today, I pretty much fell apart in tears about the whole thing. I guess I can just encourage the good and discourage the bad and wait until he sees the situation for what it is, not what he thinks/hopes it is. And, honestly, I don't believe anything I could say WOULD make a difference.

It still sucks.

But I'm still working to take care of me, and that includes recognizing my successes as well as my not-so-successes (i.e. failures). I'm human.

Today's Goal: Get my water in - Fail (only got about 50 oz)

Tomorrow's Goal: Do my workout routine

Calories consumed: 959

Workout:

Cardio = None (recovery day)

Strength Training:

50 push-ups (did these earlier in the day)

Day 27 - Accomplished and Laundry room Christmas Carols

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So today was a pretty accomplished day! I love those. Of course, I know I'll never complete everything on my list every time. I am working on getting better at accepting that.

However, we took Sparky to the vet for his shot. I went to rehearsal and it was awesome! I came home and worked out. Then, Jon and I did laundry.

We each donned our festive head-wear: Me - Antlers with jingle bells

Him - Santa hat

Then we got caught kissing in the elevator. (tee hee!)

THEN we decided to fold the laundry down there and sing Christmas carols the whole time. It was a blissful night!

I am feeling very happy and loved today. :)

Today's Goal: Get everything accomplished on my list = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: get all my water in. Been slacking a bit

Calories Consumed: 707 (whoops)

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

46 minutes jog/run

8 minutes stretch

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (each side)

4 sets of Pilates 100's

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 26 - Weigh-in week 4 and Pizza?

Friday, December 18, 2009

So today I had a weigh-in....

I lost a pound! I was VERY excited for a number of reasons:

1. I had such a frustrating week workout wise - being sick and all

2. Any loss is a reason to celebrate

3. My weight is finally lower than psycho Tracy from Season 8 of The Biggest Loser was at the finale. It's petty but it makes me happy to beat her.

No, but really I am happy. :)

I've lost 5 lbs! That's pretty awesome, actually and I'm really proud of myself. It's not been easy to stick to this plan. Today, for example, there was a pizza party for the employees at the building I'm working at. I was invited. I thought I'd have a small slice of thin crust pizza. I did. Veggie. Then I had a second, just reasoning I would be careful how many calories I would have for dinner. Besides, I wasn't going to give up everything. I have to find that balance.

To be honest, the pizza wasn't that good. It definitely wasn't worth it. I had an awful stomach ache afterwards and felt like ick for the rest of the day.

Plus that was probably 300 calories and for not a lot of food. So, unless it's an epic piece of pizza, I don't need it. Or whatever it is. I mean, there were homemade brownies too! I just had to put my proverbial foot down, there. I just couldn't start with that. Not to say that I won't have a taste of things but I don't need a whole brownie right now.

I have a goal in mind. Eyes on the prize, or whatever.

Anyhow, I'm excited for our last rehearsal for the film, tomorrow, until we start shooting on Jan. 10th!

Today's Goal: Get some stretching in = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Get everything accomplished (workout/errands/laundry)

Calories Consumed: 900

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

46 minutes jog/run

7 minute cool-down/stretch

Strength Training:

100 push-ups

100 back rows (15 lbs each side)

100 biceps curls (1o lbs each side)

100 triceps curls (1o lbs each side)

100 shoulder press (1o lbs each side)

100 chest flies (1o lbs each side)

Day 25 - Training and a full work-out

Thursday, December 17, 2009

So today I was able to get a full work-out in. Man did that make me HAPPY! This cold sucked ass but it didn't linger like my 3 week flu did earlier this year! That was like evil visited me and had a party in my body. And I didn't have ANY fun.

Anyhow, I think I got most of my water in and I definitely got my vitamin in, yay! I'm slightly nervous about the weigh-in tomorrow, only because I had such a crappy workout schedule this week, being sick and all. But I'm just remembering that it's about balance and doing the best I can with what I've got. In this case, I got a cold. I needed to rest my body. It wasn't in the plans, but that's how it goes.

I started training for the 3 week temp gig I'm doing. The guy who is training me is very nice and really interesting. He's from Poland and is going back to visit family and friends for the holidays. I think the building is going to be fun to work at. Hopefully things will be very quiet. I like quiet.

I'm even more encouraged because they gave me keys to the garage so I can drive every day! Oh joy of joys! I get a parking space and everything. Sweet! I love Chicago, but I really hate the cold. I get cold when the apartment is 79 degrees. I freeze. I sleep in sweatpants and sweatshirts under two very warm blankets.

Cold hands warm heart? Sure, sure. :)

Today's Goal: Get moderate amount of workout in = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: do some stretching after workout

Calories Consumed: 1102

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

46 minutes jog/run

5 minutes cool-down/stretch

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (each side)

4 rounds of Pilates 100

100 regular squats (1o lbs each side)

100 regular pulsed squats (1o lbs each side)

100 plie squats (1o lbs each side)

100 pulsed plie squats (1o lbs each side)

Day 24 - On the mend and Ready for work

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

So today I woke up feeling awful, again. This stupid cold is just not being nice! I was really determined to get some workout in, again, today. I was frustrated for 2 days to not do any cardio.

So, I took some Excedrin and hoped the headache would go away. I bargained with myself to just do 5 minutes at a time. If it got to be too much I would stop.

I actually was able to hang on for 15 minutes at first. Then I slowed to 5 minutes at a time until I hit 30 minutes. Then I was pretty exhausted.

I did a bit of weights, not an intense amount but just enough to feel some burn.

Tomorrow I start training for a temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. I hope it's not too stressful. I'm definitely looking forward to the money but not the work, if you get my drift.

Anyhow, here's to a nice place to work tomorrow without a lot of stress!

Today's Goal: Get in some workout = SUCCESS!

And I took my multi-vitamin (been good about that for 4 days in a row)

Tomorrow's Goal: Get a moderate amount of workout in. Both cardio and weights

Calories Consumed: 903

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes (warm-up)

30 minutes (run/jog)

Strength Training:

75 push-ups

30 back rows (15 lbs each side)

30 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

30 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

30 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

30 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 23 - Still sick and exhausted

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

So today I had to get up early to go up to the suburbs. I had a very quick errand and then I planned to come home and workout.

Well.

After my errand I was so exhausted I basically fell asleep for a very long nap. Then Jon came home early and we both slept for a few hours.

This cold is kicking my ass.

I got NO cardio in AGAIN. And I'm just so tired and foggy-headed. Blech!

So, short entry, I guess.

Today's Goal: Get in 10 min of cardio = FAIL (too darned tired and hard to breathe)

Tomorrow's Goal: really watch the calories; try to get some workout in; drink water!

Calories Consumed: 1030

Workout:

Cardio: NONE

Strength Training:

50 regular crunches

50 oblique crunches

50 reverse crunches

2 rounds of the Pilates 100

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 pulsed plie squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 22 - Sick and grateful

Monday, December 14, 2009

So today I still felt like country-fried poop so I didn't get as much of a workout in as I'd have liked. I definitely did all my weights but did NOT do any cardio. Grrrrr. I really want to do cardio but I'm having trouble breathing as it is. Don't know how helpful gasping for air will be for me. Hopefully tomorrow... I've got to be on the mend, right?

I did, however, get all my voice over stuff done for this week. Tomorrow I think I can start prepping for the week 2 process. It's actually getting really fun to do this promoting thing. I can't tell you how helpful it's been to have a PROCESS. Marketing is NOT my strong suit so I need to know a step-by-step when it comes to anything about it.

I'm feeling grateful for some things these days:

• my plant from Kristin's memorial is still alive
• my father's tests were good (cancer hasn't grown)
• people will surprise you, and I had a couple good ones today
• Jon
• Family
• My sister-in-law and our new venture
• My amazing friends who are wonderful
• putting my needs first

These are just a few things but I thought they were appropriate.

Today's Goal: Get back on the workout routine = Success - mostly!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try to get at least 10 minutes of cardio in

Calories Consumed: 881

Workout:

Cardio: NONE

Strength Training:

100 push-ups

100 back rows (10 lbs each side)

100 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

100 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

100 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

100 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 21 - Chanukkah rushing and rehearsal

Sunday, December 13, 2009

So today was our annual family Chanukkah party. Jon and I dragged ourselves out of bed early in the morning and got ready to head to the suburbs.

Jon has been battling a cold for the last few days which is getting worse. I was feeling a little icky yesterday but, today, it's really starting to come out in force. That's not good.

Party was a success, but I had to rush out to get Jon home before my rehearsal for the film. I hate rushing around. It puts me in a state of utter anxiety and I have a tough time calming down before I have to get to my next thing. Normally, I've learned to not schedule myself so close, but this one couldn't be helped.

Rehearsal went great. I really love working with the director and chatting with the cast members. It's truly fun and inspiring.

By the time I left rehearsal, I was exhausted and sniffling a LOT. I felt terrible. I got NO workout in, and just wanted to crawl into bed. So, I didn't really eat a dinner. I had a snack! Not a great end to the day. Sickness completely derailed my plans to workout when I got home. :(

Oh well, hopefully a good night's sleep will help.

Today's Goal: Take my mulit-vitamin = SUCCESS!

Do cardio = Fail. (sickness, yo)

Tomorrow's Goal: if I'm not feeling sick, get back on workout routine track!

Calories Consumed: 1023

Workout = None

Day 20 - Changes and Chanukkah shopping

Saturday, December 12, 2009

So today Jon and I had a TON of shopping to do for the family Chanukkah party scheduled for tomorrow morning. We ran around like crazy trying to fulfill the required list and had a pretty good time, considering the frustration factor!

Most wonderful, other than spending the day together, was getting to eat at Orange. I adore Orange. It is whimsical and fun and has amazing "frushi". (Fruit-sushi! A MUST try when visiting our fair windy city). I took home the bulk of my lunch expecting to eat it for dinner or breakfast/lunch on Monday.

Something was nagging at me most of the day. I'd had a dream the night before that wouldn't stop flashing in my mind:

I was invited to a very sparse OLD apartment by a friend. We were on a "break" from a seminar and were just looking for a place to rest before we had to be back in the main room. It was only too late that I realized my ex owned/lived in this place. While trying to make it as NOT awkward as possible when I saw him standing at an entrance that I didn't even

KNOW existed (you know how dreams are), holding a guitar (no clue why), I quickly got up and grabbed the bizarre project I was working on (with safety pins), and quickly fumbled my way out the door. On my strange jump down the steps I accidently jammed the pin into my thumb causing it to rip through the flesh. I was bleeding. A LOT. My friends, whom I'd been invited up to hang out, with had already gone back inside the seminar and I told them I'd catch them on the next break, but I needed to take care of this bleeding thumb. I searched for a sink, but the only one I KNEW of was the one in the weird apartment I'd been in for 2 hours. So back up the stairs I went hoping my ex would be gone. The door was cracked, I looked in and he was standing there naked (I only saw the side of him, but it was obvious he was not wearing clothes). So I walked quietly down the hall to a bench to wait until he left to go wash my thumb. He heard the floor boards creak and came busting out of the apartment with a towel on (thank goodness) and demanded: "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

I tried to respond and he cuts me off: "NO! GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!" I show him my thumb and say, "I'm just looking for a sink to wash my thumb! As you can see it's bleeding!"

He says, "I DON'T F***ING CARE!" And then I woke up before I could retort.

It was weird.

When I have dreams about him, he's almost ALWAYS the sweetest, nicest guy. Proving he's changed and a better person. Or something. In this dream, I pretty much believe that's what would happen if he saw me today.

While I'm not sure why I had this dream or what it actually represents, I'm hoping my brain is taking the side of, "You made the right choice walking away", or something. Maybe the changes I'm making in my body are also, finally, working their way into my brain.

Or maybe I'm just afraid to awkwardly run into my ex.

Today's Goal: Make a healthy choice at lunch = SUCCESS!

Take my multi-vitamin = FAIL! I can't believe I forgot to take it!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try to get some cardio in (long long day tomorrow)

Take the multi-vitamin!!!

Calories Consumed: 881

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minute warm-up

45 minute (jog/run)

4 minute sprints (invisible jump rope)

3 minute cool-down

3 minute stretch

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches

4 rounds of Pilates 100

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs)

Day 19 - Weigh-in Week 3 and Trust

Friday, December 11, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day. I'm VERY happy to report I lost 2.2 lbs!!!! Huzzah! MUCH better than not losing last week, but I'm aware that sometimes my body is not always on the same time-table as I am. :)

To celebrate, I decided to work for my mom and plan out some Christmas/Chanukkah gifts. We're having our Chanukkah party on Sunday so I have to be finished with, at least, a few of those gifts by then!

I think today would be a good day to say that I use the word trust as a better depiction of how I feel I should "let go" than the word "faith". I find having "faith" usually starts me thinking about a whole mess of religious/spiritual things. If I say, "I'm just going to trust myself" or "trust my body will comply" I am not as unclear. Semantics can help when sifting through all the crap buried deep within the self and in the past. So, that's what I mean when I speak of "trusting myself". It helps me to stay focused and trust that I can do something.

Today's Goal: Be nice to myself at the weigh-in = SUCCESS! :)

Tomorrow's Goal: Make a healthy choice at lunch and take my multi-vitamin

Calories Consumed: 899

Workout:

Cardio:

46 minutes (jog/run, invisible jump rope)

3 - 1 minute sprints

3 minute warm up

3 minute cool down/stretch

Strength Training:

100 push-ups

50 back rows (15 lbs)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs)

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 18 - Setting Goals and Recovery

Thursday, December 10, 2009

So today I accomplished many things. Although, none of them were workout related. I took my full day of recovery to the extreme. I slept late (I haven't picked up that 3 week temp job yet so I had the day off), and I cuddled with my dog a lot.

I did ALMOST finish one of my many Christmakkah gifts. Also, I started the process of sending out my promo materials for my website. That is definitely a process. I know I will get better/faster at it as the time goes by, but for now, it's a bit daunting!

Tomorrow is a fairly busy day. I'm "working" for my mom so I'm running errands for her business. Then Jon and I meet up with her and we go over the list for the wedding. Ugh. That will be slightly stressful. Then, Jon and I head home. So! I have the morning to get my workout in! Or, at least, the majority of my workout. I suppose I can do the weights at home later, if need be.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day! Fingers crossed...

Today's Goal: Submit to agents = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: be nice to myself for the weigh-in. Good or bad, I'm looking/feeling better.

Calories Consumed: 1108

Workout: None - recovery day

Tomorrow is Friday! Hopefully it won't be so blisteringly cold!

Day 17 - Decorations and Fear of Success

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

So today was a good day! I got most of my entire list of "to-do's" out of the way. One of those things included decorating!

I have not been in the holiday spirit for the past few years. After a horribly sad and gut-wrenching break-up with my ex, I've just not had it in me. Each Christmas and Chanukkah comes along with a "meh" from me and while I'm not Bah Humbugging my way through them, I'm certainly not infused with a happy spirit.

This year, something in me has changed. I'm delighted by Christmas! Jon and I had to do laundry so I found a Santa Hat in my small box of decorations and reindeer antlers (with jingle bells!) He put on the Santa hat and I put on the antlers and down to the laundry room we went. Merrily! It was really fun!

Here's a picture of my decorations for this year's Christmakkah!

I also spent a lot of time learning about promoting my voice over demos. I could feel the fear rising in me each time I read more about it and tried to envision how I was going to afford all the postage and all the time and effort it would take! I finally had to force myself to take a big breath and realize that I CAN DO THIS. I just have to remind myself there will be a learning curve. There always is. I'm human.

I don't want to be afraid of success. I am very proud of the work I did on this demo. I just need to do that little bit extra work to get it out there and in the right hands.

Next step: SUCCESS. At least, that's what I'm envisioning now. :)

Today's Goal: take multi-vitamin and cardio 45 minutes = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Submit to agents.

(Technically it should be a recovery day but I may get a workout in)

Calories Consumed - 991

Workout:

Cardio:

45 minutes (run/jog, invisible jump rope)

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (each side)

4 rounds of Pilates 100's

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 pulsed plie squats (10 lbs)

* I think in a week or two I am going to have to step up to 12 lbs!

Day 16 - To-do Lists and Alone Time

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

So today was a very productive day! My workouts were great, I met my goals and I covered my to-do list. All in all a great productive day!

To-do lists. I always put WAY too much on my lists and, thus, never feel fully accomplished even when I get a majority of it finished. I'm taking a tip from my friend, Becky, who has been posting lists each day of things to accomplish.

She learned: "a person can only really do about 6 things in any given day and do them well. Any more than that and you are overloaded. Often just those 6 things can have multiple steps that have to be completed before they are considered done."

I like that.

So I'm limiting my already busy life to only 6 things on my To-do list. Today, I accomplished 5 out of 6. And I feel really great about that!

It's about finding the little successes in life. I know I tend to say to myself that I haven't done enough. I should push harder, work harder. Well, then life just sucks all the time. Seriously. Without a few successes along the way life just feels like a big ball of crap that I have to keep rolling up the hill. It, inevitably, rolls back down and I have to start pushing again.

It's not really living.

I have also become to cherish my alone time. I used to be so anxious growing up that people didn't love me and would forget about me. I feel so much more fulfilled and my anxiety about those things are less. I really love spending time with me, these days. I'm pretty cool. And this blog has helped to make me focus on me and what I am doing positively in my life. That's a wonderful change from where I was even 2 years ago!

Tomorrow's Goal: take my multi-vitamin, do 45 minutes of cardio

Today's Goal: take multi-vitamin = SUCCESS

add push-ups to strength routine = SUCCESS

Calories Consumed: 901

Workout:

Cardio:

45 minutes (jogging)

3 minutes (warm up)

5 minutes (cool down/stretch)

Strength Training:

100 push-ups

100 biceps curls (10 lbs)

100 back rows (15 lbs)

100 triceps curls (1o lbs)

100 shoulder press (1o lbs)

100 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 15 - Vitamins and Vegetables

Monday, December 7, 2009

So, today I realized I had been neglecting taking my multi-vitamin everyday. I am fairly convinced it's why I've been so exhausted lately. Well, I could easily have been fighting something off, also. But I'm going to try and make that a daily goal, as well.

I've found certain vegetables and how they are prepared can be incredibly filling! Jon Wolter made us a veggie casserole with ricotta cheese and all-natural marinara to "hold it together". He made so much of it, I've been eating it for days. And we still have some left! He also made a fantastic zucchini soup (using vegetable broth, low-sodium - and onions). It's fantastic. A 1/2 of a teaspoon of reduced fat sour cream added to the bowl and it needs no other flavoring. Amazing!

This evening we went to see the florist for the wedding. It was AWESOME! I'm so excited for the flowers. Our florist is going to do an AMAZING job and the room will be gorgeous. :)

I'm furiously trying to make a few presents for my family for Christmas/Chanukkah. They are things I've had that I've neglected to make for years. So, why not make them now? :)

I ended up not doing my cardio today. I'm not sure what happened. The day got away from me a little, I think. But, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'll just pick up where I left off tomorrow.

Today's Goal: Add something to my abs routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Take multi-vitamin; add push-ups to strength routine

Calories Consumed: 859

Workout:

Cardio: None

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (each side)

4 rounds of Pilates 100's

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (1o lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs)

Day 14 - Cleanliness and Mood

Sunday, December 6, 2009

So today was a whirlwind day. Jon and I slept in a bit later than usual ('til 10am). He had the daunting task of cleaning our apartment and the animal hutches today. I had the daunting task of working out before my rehearsal for the film. (!!!)

I got right to it. 2 episodes of HOUSE on DVD got me through almost the entire thing. Then it was shower and get ready to go. My sister-in-law was visiting last night and she'd never seen our tiny apartment before. I wanted to show it to her in the best "light" possible. Hence, the cleaning frenzy. :)

Rehearsal was great. I had a fantastic time and my band members/fellow actors are pretty awesome. I always love going over to the director's home to rehearse. He and his wife have the most amazing personalities and they always make everyone feel welcome and at home. They live in this amazing loft. It's such a neat place. I would KILL to have that kind of space. :)

By the time I got home, Jon had done an incredible amount of work on the apartment. It looked awesome! I was actually HAPPY to be in this apartment. To be home. That perked my mood up immensely!

When my sister-in-law arrived she was amazed that Jon and I live here. Full-time. The fact that there is really no space and we've utilized every single corner, nook, and cranny floored her. As Jon put it, "Ali and I are very good at Tetris-ing our lives". And it's true.

There's definitely things we can do to organize and clean even more, but I'm feeling pretty great about going to sleep tonight.

Today's Goal (I forgot to set one!)

Tomorrow's Goal: add an extra "something" to my ab routine (Maybe the Pilates 100?)

Calories Consumed: 998

Workout:

Cardio:

3 min warm-up

45 minutes (jog, invisible jump-rope, step-ups)

5 min cool down

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs)

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 13 - Up and Down

Saturday, December 5, 2009

So, today was all over the map. Jon and I had some errands to run so we rolled out of bed and slowly got our day moving. It was ok...just a slow-going day. I forgot my water (that really bummed me out) and didn't plan ahead to take any snacks, so we ended up stopping at a restaurant to have lunch.

While we were there, I was counting calories in my head and figuring out what I could cut/take home, etc.

Jon made a joking comment about "being careful about those calories" on a new low-caloric syrup made from blue agave that I'd never tried and I flipped out. I was so offended that he thought I needed help with my calorie counting! Didn't he know I was watching every morsel, every calorie I was eating? Did he think I needed a policeman watching my every move?!?!?

Well, after many an apology and my grudgingly "letting it go" (I was still upset but not AT him, but I couldn't explain/figure out what had really made me so angry), we finished (and even enjoyed) the rest of our meal and came home.

I worked out last night and got in all my water and Jon made a delicious veggie casserole. We ended up going to sleep really early. I guess we were tired. But I was still thinking about why I was so quick to anger.

I'm still not quite sure, but I think it has to do with a few things:

1) yes, I was "ok" with not having dropped weight this week (even glad I didn't gain) but after all this hard work, I have to acknowledge that I was disappointed that I didn't lose. More disappointed than I even wanted to admit. I was "covering it up" trying to be positive and just let it go, but I've learned that you can't move through something and get on the other side without actually feeling those feelings. And even if I don't plan on feeling them, they will happen. So, yeah. I AM disappointed, dammit.

2) I went to a memorial yesterday. For a beloved teacher. Who was 39 years old. And wonderful. And died of breast cancer. Seriously. It's so not fair. And there is breast cancer all over my family. My aunt just died of it. My mom is a survivor but only had a 2o% chance. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt who just passed away) had it and hers manifested when she was 33. Yeah. I'm 33 now. So, yeah. Fear, concern and all that is getting internalized. And sometimes it needs an outlet, I guess.

3) Calorie counting is tenuous and frustrating. And it's a delicate balance when out to eat and not being able to get what you want because it will end up on your stomach and ruin everything you've worked for. It's often much more of a mental game than anything else. And when someone jumps in and tries to "help" it can be irritating. And it can feel like you're being judged. That's exactly what it felt like to me. Like Jon was watching my every move and "scolding" me for what I was eating. I was pissed.

Now, of course, that wasn't at all what Jon was trying to do, but I had a hard time believing him. I was already feeling down for a number of reasons (as I stated), so that just pushed me over the edge.

We figured it out, and I feel better acknowledging that I was sad and disappointed and just feeling judged and down. So, now I have to look forward and realize that the day wasn't a total bust. I did work out and I did drink water and gave it my best. Today, that's where my best was. And that's ok.

Today's Goal: Drink 80 - 100 oz of water. = drank 80 oz = SUCCESS!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout:

Cardio: 45 minutes

(jogging, invisible jump rope, step-ups, dead leg lifts)

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (both sides)

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats) (10 lbs)

Day 12 - Weigh-in week 2 and acceptance

Friday December 4, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day! I did my morning weigh-in and... (drum roll please!)

I LOST NO WEIGHT! Yay!!!!!

Huh? I'm happy about this? Actually, I am. Week 2 is often a discouraging week. A big weight loss on week 1 can set up ridiculous expectations for Week 2. (I know my weight loss in week one was only 1.8 pounds, but that was a LOT for me).

Here's the success of this story... I didn't gain! Not an ounce! THIS is good news. It's common for that to happen. And considering I'd had a few struggles this week with feeling run-down and trying to keep the balance, I'm actually pleased by this. No gain in week 2!

Today played out rather bizarrely. I woke up early, (and thanks to my listening to my body and taking the recovery day yesterday I actually FELT better and ready to get up) and did my workout immediately.

Then I got dressed and went to a memorial for a beloved teacher, Kristin Spangler who passed away from breast cancer only a few weeks ago. I'm surrounded by this awful disease. Too many family members have been diagnosed. Too many friends and family have died from it. It sickens me.

The memorial was beautiful and appropriate and I was pleased to have been there to honor such an extraordinary woman. She had "magic hands". (She taught us the Alexander Technique and lived it in her day to day life. Amazing).

My friend, Alexis, and I found ourselves remembering her and laughing about crazy school moments on the drive back. I realized I hadn't eaten since 9am and it was now 2:30pm. To remedy it, we went to the Chicago Diner (amazing vegan/vegetarian options). I chose as wisely as I could and, yes, had them wrap 1/2 of it to take home. Which was good because I really could have eaten the entire plate! But now I have breakfast for tomorrow.

Then I came home and changed clothes AGAIN for Jon's company holiday party. It was at the Chicago Yacht Club. This was a fun night. I indulged in 1/2 a drink and was forced to eat what they served (a really awful barbeque sauced salmon...um, YUCK!). But I was careful and took small portions of everything (like I did at Thanksgiving). I probably over-estimated the calories in the dinner, but better to over-estimate than under-estimate, right?

Then I came home. I planned to work on a few Chanukah and Christmas gifts, but I was exhausted. So, bedtime!

Did NOT get my 80 - 100 oz of water in today. It was rough with all the running around and lack of bathrooms. I will remedy that tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goal: drink 80 - 100 oz of water!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout: Cardio:

42 min (jogging, step-ups), 5 min warm-up/stretch,

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side);

50 biceps curls (10 lbs);

50 triceps curls (1o lbs);

50 shoulder press (10 lbs);

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 11 - Uneasy and the Dreaded Week 2

Thursday, December 3rd

So today I am totally exhausted! I thought I was tired yesterday. I was wrong. I can only imagine that my wonderful body is fighting off something. I have no real reason to be this exhausted so I will appreciate what my body is telling me and take today as my recovery day.

This scares me.

I HATE taking a recovery day. I feel like I'm "slacking off" or "falling into a bad habit". Now, I know it's necessary to take 1 day off a week. I know it's bad for my body and the weight loss to NOT take a day off. Yet, I can't get that stupid voice out of my head saying, "Don't be lazy, Ali. You should be working out right now. Come on, it's not that bad. You're not that tired! You barely did anything yesterday. You're pathetic". And so on.

So I'm trying to tell that voice to shut the hell up.

This is a constant battle with sleep, as well. When I was in school I kept telling myself that sleep was for the weak. The more I stayed up and studied the better I would be. I could be "the best that I could be" which, of course, was still never good enough for me. I was never satisfied with myself and my accomplishments.

Well, here I am. Feeling the same way with the same uneasy energy. So I'm changing my behavior. I'm going to tell myself that I deserve a day off. I need a day off. And I am WORTHY of a day off.

Me: Self?

Self: Yeah?

Me: I'm taking my recovery day today.

Self: Really?

Me: Yes. I get one recovery day a week and I need it today. So I'm taking it.

Self: Think that's such a good idea?

Me: Yes. Yes I do.

Self: Well, if that's what you think you should do...

Me: Yes. It is. I am worthy of this day off.

Self: Well, Me, I think you're right.

Me: Um, you do??

Self: Yes, Me. You've been working your butt off. There's no rule that says you should take your recovery day on a weekend or anything else. I know you. I trust you. You made sure the rest of the week was laid out in a way so you could take today off. So go for it. I support you, Me.

Me: Wow! Thanks Self. I feel so supported!

Self: Anytime, Me. Anytime.

Considering tomorrow is a weigh-in day this was definitely a risky choice. Also, this is the dreaded WEEK 2! Notoriously week 2 of a workout plan can be brutal. Often people lose very little (after a large loss the week before), or they stay the same or even gain! It can be very demoralizing. But, as we all know, the scale is not the only measure of success. In fact, I did some costume hunting yesterday for the film and I am consistently in a size smaller! So regardless of what the scale says, my body is shrinking!

Also, I have muscle definition in my arms! It's so cool to look at them! I love feeling the muscle and I can't wait until they get more defined! Yay!

Today's Goal: well it was to stretch after my work out... so I guess that's not yet a success

Tomorrow's Goal: Workout - (and then stretch!)

Calories Consumed: 870 (I know it's low. Remember I didn't burn any off today, though)

Workout: NONE - recovery day

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day.

First: Weigh-in!

Second: I have a memorial for my beloved teacher, Kristin Spangler who passed away from breast cancer. :( I plan to work out before this so I am not bursting into tears while trying to do invisible jump rope!

Third: Jon's company has their holiday party, so temptations will be at a high...

Lots of challenges tomorrow, but I'm up for it.

Day 10 - Tired and letting go

So today I was tired! Really tired. I had a tough time dragging myself out of bed and getting moving today. I had a few errands to run and I just felt run-down most of the day.

By the time Wolter had gotten home I was only 25 push-ups into my workout and I couldn't even conceive doing more at that point.

I'm hoping I'm not coming down with anything. It doesn't help that we sleep on a futon mattress. It's definitely NOT the most comfortable mattress in the world. Not to mention our living quarters are about as small as two people could semi-comfortably live! :) But it's home, for now.

Working out in a studio apartment is quite a feat with a fiance, a dog, a chinchilla, and a rabbit all watching you. When I first started working out about a year ago, I told Jon he had to leave the apartment, since we didn't really have a door/other room. He would go for a walk or go to the 2nd floor to read. Finally, he opted to take a bath and read in the bathroom. It got tiresome for both of us. I hated "kicking him out of the room" and he felt put-out being made to leave the room, (even though he was always super-supportive and would do it anyway).

My only solution was to just get over it. Let it go. One of my issues has always been worrying how I look to others. I'm self-conscious and don't want to be judged, especially by people who know me, or whose opinions I trust. But I realized I was not going to be able to dictate Jon's schedule and there would be an over-lap when I wanted to work out. So, to be fair, I explained my concerns about "being watched" and "being judged" and asked for him to promise to not make comments regarding my workouts when he was in the room.

He agreed and, so far, it's been working great! Since we tend to watch the same shows, (an inevitability with only one TV that the entire apartment can hear) I can work out and watch the shows with him in the room. I get to accomplish spending the same time we would spend watching a show with him and STILL get in my work out. Win/win!

Today's Goal was: get in 30 min of cardio = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: stretch after my workout (I've been sporadically stretching and I KNOW that's bad!)

Calories Consumed: 1270

Workout: 100 push-ups, 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches, 100 oblique crunches (each side), 100 regular squats (10 lbs weights), 100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs weights), 100 plie squats (10 lbs weights), 100 pulsed plie squats (10 lbs weights), Cardio: 30 min