Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 13 - Up and Down

Saturday, December 5, 2009

So, today was all over the map. Jon and I had some errands to run so we rolled out of bed and slowly got our day moving. It was ok...just a slow-going day. I forgot my water (that really bummed me out) and didn't plan ahead to take any snacks, so we ended up stopping at a restaurant to have lunch.

While we were there, I was counting calories in my head and figuring out what I could cut/take home, etc.

Jon made a joking comment about "being careful about those calories" on a new low-caloric syrup made from blue agave that I'd never tried and I flipped out. I was so offended that he thought I needed help with my calorie counting! Didn't he know I was watching every morsel, every calorie I was eating? Did he think I needed a policeman watching my every move?!?!?

Well, after many an apology and my grudgingly "letting it go" (I was still upset but not AT him, but I couldn't explain/figure out what had really made me so angry), we finished (and even enjoyed) the rest of our meal and came home.

I worked out last night and got in all my water and Jon made a delicious veggie casserole. We ended up going to sleep really early. I guess we were tired. But I was still thinking about why I was so quick to anger.

I'm still not quite sure, but I think it has to do with a few things:

1) yes, I was "ok" with not having dropped weight this week (even glad I didn't gain) but after all this hard work, I have to acknowledge that I was disappointed that I didn't lose. More disappointed than I even wanted to admit. I was "covering it up" trying to be positive and just let it go, but I've learned that you can't move through something and get on the other side without actually feeling those feelings. And even if I don't plan on feeling them, they will happen. So, yeah. I AM disappointed, dammit.

2) I went to a memorial yesterday. For a beloved teacher. Who was 39 years old. And wonderful. And died of breast cancer. Seriously. It's so not fair. And there is breast cancer all over my family. My aunt just died of it. My mom is a survivor but only had a 2o% chance. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt who just passed away) had it and hers manifested when she was 33. Yeah. I'm 33 now. So, yeah. Fear, concern and all that is getting internalized. And sometimes it needs an outlet, I guess.

3) Calorie counting is tenuous and frustrating. And it's a delicate balance when out to eat and not being able to get what you want because it will end up on your stomach and ruin everything you've worked for. It's often much more of a mental game than anything else. And when someone jumps in and tries to "help" it can be irritating. And it can feel like you're being judged. That's exactly what it felt like to me. Like Jon was watching my every move and "scolding" me for what I was eating. I was pissed.

Now, of course, that wasn't at all what Jon was trying to do, but I had a hard time believing him. I was already feeling down for a number of reasons (as I stated), so that just pushed me over the edge.

We figured it out, and I feel better acknowledging that I was sad and disappointed and just feeling judged and down. So, now I have to look forward and realize that the day wasn't a total bust. I did work out and I did drink water and gave it my best. Today, that's where my best was. And that's ok.

Today's Goal: Drink 80 - 100 oz of water. = drank 80 oz = SUCCESS!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)


Cardio: 45 minutes

(jogging, invisible jump rope, step-ups, dead leg lifts)

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (both sides)

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats) (10 lbs)

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