Monday, December 21, 2009

Day 29 - Me first and addiction

Monday, December 21, 2009

So today I had to work for this temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. It's not a bad gig, actually. The residents are pleasant and the staff is really awesome and helpful.

I love that I am working by myself in this office. It's wonderful and "freeing" to not be watched all the time. I do have a supervisor I will check-in with when necessary but he works out of the corporate office.

I find that I'm identifying, in myself, certain behaviors and reactions that I'm not sure I was aware of. For example: I've noticed how much less anxiety I've felt recently. I don't know if it's from a clearer focus on what I actually want to do with my life or because of my more stable lifestyle.

I have surrounded myself with very addictive people while I stayed "unaddicted" or "the one you can count on". I was always surprising people when they realized I didn't have a true eating disorder, or alcoholism, or drug problem. Considering my abusive past and more recent relationships it did seem "not normal".

I believe I made myself anxious and crazy and found solace in helping others to the detriment of myself. I would take on charity cases and focus on them without ever having to focus on me. It's exhausting having to really take myself into account. I guess I never thought I was all that great to be around. I truly didn't like myself and couldn't understand why anyone else would like me.

When I looked at myself with a hard critics eye, I realized that I was really right about everything I thought. And I was jealous that others didn't have these "problems". It pissed me off. I finally realized I was my own self-fulling prophecy. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, "No, Ali, you're fine! You're great!". Funny thing was, people WERE telling me that. ALL THE TIME. I just didn't believe them. I believed this crazy idea in my head. I don't want that crazy idea to be right anymore. So the only thing I can change is how I approach things and my behavior, right? So, yeah.

This is part of the reason I started this blog. Yes, it was to be accountable to myself about how much I'm consuming and how much I'm working out. But, also, I know what I've done for 33 years hasn't worked. So it was time to try it a different way.

My ex pushed me to walk away from our life and our wedding two months before the date. He manipulated me and kept my dog, claiming he'd take me to court and win since his father is a lawyer. He tugged at every heartstring I had and then would push me away and ignore me, claiming "he needed space". I was miserable, but I thought it was love.

It wasn't love. It was addiction.

Ugh, there is SO much more I could go on about with this one. Suffice it to say, going "cold turkey" on an addiction is really really hard. It doesn't help that I suffer every day and miss my dog. However, I know it's the best compromise given the circumstances.

I see what a stable life and real love really means with Jon. We have a true partnership. It's special and real and he doesn't try to manipulate my feelings by threatening to leave me or push me away to see how hard I'll try to fight back. We trust each other. There is no walking on eggshells or anxiety about how we deal with each other.

That is love. Sustainable and real love.

I'm trying not to regret anything. That's hard. Putting things in the past is not an easy thing for me. It's definitely still a process I'm working on.

That said, my day ended on a good note. We got all our errands done that we set out to do today. Dishes are done, animals are fed and I had a good workout. All in all a reflective but good day!

Today's Goal: Do my workout = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work

Calories Consumed: 1012

3 minutes warm-up
50 minutes (jog/run - with five 1 min. sprints)
8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training:
50 push-ups
50 back rows (15 lbs each side)
50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)
50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)


  1. Ali, that is a HUGE thing to recognize about yourself, and I am so incredibly proud of you for even acknowledging it. Things that happened in the past served us then -- either for good or for bad, but they still served us. I think it is important to be grateful for those times, thank them for their service to you, and send them on their way. Like emotional downsizing--hehe. "Thank you for your many years of service to Ali Inc. We no longer need you on the team, so please pack up your desk, and security will escort you out."

  2. Becky! Thank you for your comment. I absolutely love that idea of "emotional downsizing". It's a great image and I'm definitely going to refer back to it when/if I get bogged down by the past again. Thanks for your awesome support!