Oh my goodness I am so way behind I can't stand it!!!

I cannot believe how long it's been since I actually posted anything!

Life just took over and knocked me in the crazy zone.

HOWEVER:  I have not fallen off the wagon or fallen in a well or anything.  I have been keeping track of my workouts and my calories on paper and fully plan to post these things ASAP.

It just seems...daunting!  I'm exhausted every time I even THINK about doing this blog because I'm so way way behind.

BUT:  I came up with a solution.  Nothing is going to get better unless I work through it.

So for the sake of time and interest, I thought back to the reason I began posting here to begin with:  I wanted a place that would keep me accountable to myself.

So, the most important thing to post, for the moment, is what I did that day.  The emotions are sort of fleeting but still important, but I don't necessarily remember what was bugging me that day unless I address it that day.

I will be doing a flurry of daily posts to just "get those crazy days" out of the way.  I will be reflecting on things as they continue to play an emotional/recurring role in my head/in my life in future posts, for sure.  It is decidedly true that there is no way I would be succeeding this much if I wasn't putting my feelings/thoughts down on "paper".  I require that reflection.  It keeps my brain going in the right place AND it helps me acknowledge my successes (as well as my failures or...struggles).

Look for my crazy flurry of "all business" posts which should be appearing in the next few days.  After those are complete I am planning to jump head-on back into the "real" posts.

Thanks for being so supportive and awesome and reading this insanity that is my journey!

Hugs!
~Ali

Day 68 - Weigh-in week #10 and Taking it slow

Friday, January 29, 2010

So today was a weigh-in day!  AND, I was coming off of feeling like complete crap so I wasn't sure what the heck I would find on the scale.  I had been away from any workout for 2 days.  This was not a great thing.  Plus, the last weigh-in had happened on last Saturday giving me only 6 days to lose instead of 7.  But, on to the scale I went.

I LOST 1.8 lbs!!!  WOOO HOOO!!!!!

That was a great way to start the day.  Let me tell you!

To date I have now lost 8.6 lbs!

I really hope this continues!  I am really trying to keep this thing going.  I love the changes and how much stronger I am and how much stronger I feel!

Today I really took it easy and didn't do too much.  I worked out for a short amount of time and got a little nauseated while doing it.  I guess I need to be careful I don't relapse.  It's just so hard when I see such a great number on the scale!  It makes me want to kick it into high gear.

I know, I gotta listen to my body.

Jon and I have a HUGE to-do list we are trying to get to this weekend.  I hope we can tackle most of it tomorrow so we have a quieter Sunday.

I'm bummed because I don't film this weekend like it had originally been planned.  Locations had to be revamped and that, of course, revamped the schedule.

Oh well.  I'm on next weekend so I have to stay healthy.

Yay for good scale days!

Today's Goal: Take it easy = moderate Success (I did work out but kept it light and easy...)

Tomorrow's Goal: try to do full cardio and light abs if I can

Calories Consumed: 1098

Workout:
       Cardio:
           3 minutes warm up
           30 minutes jog/run
          (1 - 10 minute sprint)
            5 minute cool-down

Day 43 - Fatigue and Breathing

Monday, January 4, 2010

So today just felt like a day of failure.  I know it wasn't that bad but it sure felt like it.  I was exhausted at work and felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything.  I kept getting phone calls and getting caught in situations I am not equipped to handle and feeling like a jerk because I had to continually say, "I'm sorry but Paul will be back in the office on Monday, January 11th. He will be able to help you then". 

Nothing frustrates me more than not having answers or a resource for my answers when working in a job.  I love the alone-factor except when I don't have anyone to call in case of a situation I can't readily deal with.  I do have a supervisor and he's really nice, but he doesn't know the ins and outs of the job so he can't easily assist me on most things.  I've found myself having to bother Paul in Poland while he's on vacation way more than I ever wanted to. 

By the time Jon Wolter showed up, (he gets off at 4:30 and this office is in walking distance to his office so I give him a ride home), I was absolutely ready to get out of dodge. 

I was actually looking forward to and dreading my pending workout.

Looking forward to it because:

• I often get a nice boost of energy once I begin
• I was planning on watching the West Wing while doing cardio (yay)
• It wasn't being at work!

Dreading it because:

• I was completely exhausted
• It's a WORKOUT - it's not usually altogether the most fun time I've had
• It's a mental game - and that is also exhausting
• It's nearly impossible to workout at home and not notice how cluttered our apartment is

I turned on the West Wing and began the cardio, like normal.  But nothing, I mean NOTHING I did was making this workout happen for me.  I was running slower, I was mentally not there.  I tried gearing myself up, I tried infusing push-ups in the middle of the cardio to give me some sweat and a boost, change it up.  Nope.  By the time I hit 30 minutes I knew I had very little left in me.  I eked out 35 minutes and I had had it.  So I ended the workout.

I did stretch and cool down.  I was definitely feeling disappointed in myself but, seriously, my body was telling me, "This is all I've got today.  I'll give you what I have when I have it.  This is what you get today.  Put me to bed soon, please."

I decided to just breathe.

Recently I've increasingly become interested in the different types of meditation.  I have a brain that doesn't shut up or quiet down, easily.  So usually a guided meditation is a better type for me.  However, I decided to take 2 minutes and just breathe.  I sat on the floor, closed my eyes and breathed.  It was quite refreshing, although my brain wouldn't keep still.  I concentrated on my breath and just focused on relaxing my muscles and feeling the stress drain away.

It was lovely.  I finished up by doing 1/2 of the abs I normally do and just didn't even consider the legs.  Once done, I crawled into a bath and Jon was making dinner.  I got out and we watched one of my new favorite shows, Men of a Certain Age on TNT.  There were a few Rocky references in the show and with one of them they show a similar image from the film where Rocky is standing with his arms up in the air. 

I realized, tomorrow will be a better day.

Today's Goal: drink 80 oz of water = FAIL (I drank 60 oz )

Tomorrow's Goal: drink 80 oz of water. Yup I'm throwing it back in there.  Tomorrow is a different day.

Calories Consumed: 1192

Workout:
        Cardio: 
             3 minutes warm-up
             35 minute jog/run/skaters
            (3 - 1 minute sprints)
             8 minutes cool down stretch

        Strength Training:
             100 push ups
             50 regular crunches
             50 reverse crunches
             50 oblique crunches (each side)

Day 37 - Marketing and Skype

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

So today was my last late day at this job.  On Tuesdays, the manager usually works from 11am - 7pm.  They didn't bother to tell me that when I was hired for the job.  I worked it out so I did come in 11-7 last Tuesday and this one.  But next week, I am working 9-5 all 5 days.  Getting off on the schedule has messed up my sleep patterns.

Case in point:  Today!

I got up early to do my cardio.  I was pretty darn exhausted but I made it through.  I rediscovered TLC on our basic cable network and got pathetically sucked into "Toddlers and Tiaras".  Wow.  Just, wow.  Why do these people even HAVE kids?  They should just get dolls and dress them up!  But I digress...

So I busted out the cardio and quickly showered, got my food together, fed the dog, made the bed, etc. and ran out of the house to START my 8 hour work day. 

While I was there the day felt ENDLESS.  The only thing that got me through was using the time after 5pm as a chance to work on marketing for my voice over demos.  I am preparing to send out the postcards and I'm thrilled to start this process!  It's taken a LOT of preparation, but I know it will work out in the end.  I just have to keep at it.  :)

So accomplishing a lot of that was very helpful to my mood.  It wasn't, however, very helpful for my exhaustion!  By the time I arrived home, wonderful Jon Wolter had cleaned the rabbit hutch and the chinchilla hutch, alone.  I felt terrible not helping him but I was so tired I just wanted to crawl into bed!  I decided I would just suck it up and make today a cardio only day and jump back in tomorrow.  Sometimes you just have to allow your body to tell you what it needs.

After dinner, Jon got "Skyped" by our buddy Jon Taie in Boston.  It was really nice to see him.  Yay for new technology!  We laughed a lot and joked about the wedding and him coming to that.  It was a blast.  I ended up saying goodnight around 10:30pm.  I was hoping a good night's sleep would be in the cards for me!

Today's Goal: Get the cardio done before work - SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Jump back in the workout routine - abs/legs tomorrow

Calories Consumed - 987

Workout:
      Cardio:
           3 minutes warm up
           40 minutes jog/run/kick/shadow boxing/invis. jump rope
           4 - 1 minute jump/sprints

      Strength Training: NONE

Day 32 - Joy and Reading

Thursday, December 24, 2009

So today has been a very "chill" day at work. Very few distractions via phone/email and pretty much all around quiet.

It's given me time to read. Which I adore! I almost never carve out time in my day to do it. I always think I "should" be doing something else. Working on this monologue or sending out this thing for my business...etc. I live in a world of "shoulds" when I have so many "wants".

Truthfully, this job has allowed me the time to read and that makes me so grateful. When I fall into a story I am totally transported. I live the emotions they live, I anticipate their reactions and feelings. It's like I am experiencing the story along with them. It's an investment. Not just of time, but of emotion.

When I complete a book and the story ends (no sequel, or I've finished all the sequels), I'm actually depressed for a while. I feel like I've lost the people. They've "left" so to speak, to go live their lives. It's something I've also experienced with films and TV shows, in some cases. But it's never as heartbreaking as with books. I think it's because I am reading about every nuance and thought and I'm right there breathing with them.

Like I said, an investment. :)

This has been a much better holiday for me than recent years. I've learned so much about myself and my strength. I used to tell my teacher, K Spang, that I understood that I had "things to get through". The fact that I had the knowledge that I had issues should have been enough, right? I figured if I saw my problems, labled them, saw them clearly well, then, I should be allowed to avoid the suffering of FEELING them or going through the process of dealing with them for real. K Spang would say, "Ali, you keep seeing that door and just desperately want to be on the other side of it". I'd say, "YES!" And she'd say, "Well, here's the deal. By acknowledging the problem you've only just NOTICED the door. Now you have to start working your way towards it. You just want to fly through it. It doesn't work that way".

And she was right.

So this holiday season I am really enjoying my time staying warm and close and happy and grateful for love and laughter and joy. Joy is an emotion that I have felt guilty for feeling for so long. I'm not going to feel guilty feeling joy tonight. Maybe that should be my goal for tomorrow. Mom's making dinner and I don't want to feel any guilt. So that's my goal.

Thank you for sticking with my crazy rants of blog-i-tude. Your continued support is incredible. This journey is a good one. Hard, but good. I thank you. And I wish you a glorious happy holiday eve!

Today's Goal: Drink 80 oz of water + Take multi-vitamin = Fail/success (took the vitamin - had about 65-70 oz, but I wasn't too disappointed)

Tomorrow's Goal: Feel no guilt.

Calories Consumed: 1087

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-ups

20 minutes jog/run

3 minutes cool-down

Strength Training:

Slim in 6pack abs routine - 11 min.

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 pulsed regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 29 - Me first and addiction

Monday, December 21, 2009

So today I had to work for this temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. It's not a bad gig, actually. The residents are pleasant and the staff is really awesome and helpful.

I love that I am working by myself in this office. It's wonderful and "freeing" to not be watched all the time. I do have a supervisor I will check-in with when necessary but he works out of the corporate office.

I find that I'm identifying, in myself, certain behaviors and reactions that I'm not sure I was aware of. For example: I've noticed how much less anxiety I've felt recently. I don't know if it's from a clearer focus on what I actually want to do with my life or because of my more stable lifestyle.

I have surrounded myself with very addictive people while I stayed "unaddicted" or "the one you can count on". I was always surprising people when they realized I didn't have a true eating disorder, or alcoholism, or drug problem. Considering my abusive past and more recent relationships it did seem "not normal".

I believe I made myself anxious and crazy and found solace in helping others to the detriment of myself. I would take on charity cases and focus on them without ever having to focus on me. It's exhausting having to really take myself into account. I guess I never thought I was all that great to be around. I truly didn't like myself and couldn't understand why anyone else would like me.

When I looked at myself with a hard critics eye, I realized that I was really right about everything I thought. And I was jealous that others didn't have these "problems". It pissed me off. I finally realized I was my own self-fulling prophecy. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, "No, Ali, you're fine! You're great!". Funny thing was, people WERE telling me that. ALL THE TIME. I just didn't believe them. I believed this crazy idea in my head. I don't want that crazy idea to be right anymore. So the only thing I can change is how I approach things and my behavior, right? So, yeah.

This is part of the reason I started this blog. Yes, it was to be accountable to myself about how much I'm consuming and how much I'm working out. But, also, I know what I've done for 33 years hasn't worked. So it was time to try it a different way.

My ex pushed me to walk away from our life and our wedding two months before the date. He manipulated me and kept my dog, claiming he'd take me to court and win since his father is a lawyer. He tugged at every heartstring I had and then would push me away and ignore me, claiming "he needed space". I was miserable, but I thought it was love.

It wasn't love. It was addiction.

Ugh, there is SO much more I could go on about with this one. Suffice it to say, going "cold turkey" on an addiction is really really hard. It doesn't help that I suffer every day and miss my dog. However, I know it's the best compromise given the circumstances.

I see what a stable life and real love really means with Jon. We have a true partnership. It's special and real and he doesn't try to manipulate my feelings by threatening to leave me or push me away to see how hard I'll try to fight back. We trust each other. There is no walking on eggshells or anxiety about how we deal with each other.

That is love. Sustainable and real love.

I'm trying not to regret anything. That's hard. Putting things in the past is not an easy thing for me. It's definitely still a process I'm working on.

That said, my day ended on a good note. We got all our errands done that we set out to do today. Dishes are done, animals are fed and I had a good workout. All in all a reflective but good day!

Today's Goal: Do my workout = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work

Calories Consumed: 1012

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

50 minutes (jog/run - with five 1 min. sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training:

50 push-ups

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 27 - Accomplished and Laundry room Christmas Carols

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So today was a pretty accomplished day! I love those. Of course, I know I'll never complete everything on my list every time. I am working on getting better at accepting that.

However, we took Sparky to the vet for his shot. I went to rehearsal and it was awesome! I came home and worked out. Then, Jon and I did laundry.

We each donned our festive head-wear: Me - Antlers with jingle bells

Him - Santa hat

Then we got caught kissing in the elevator. (tee hee!)

THEN we decided to fold the laundry down there and sing Christmas carols the whole time. It was a blissful night!

I am feeling very happy and loved today. :)

Today's Goal: Get everything accomplished on my list = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: get all my water in. Been slacking a bit

Calories Consumed: 707 (whoops)

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

46 minutes jog/run

8 minutes stretch

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (each side)

4 sets of Pilates 100's

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 23 - Still sick and exhausted

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

So today I had to get up early to go up to the suburbs. I had a very quick errand and then I planned to come home and workout.

Well.

After my errand I was so exhausted I basically fell asleep for a very long nap. Then Jon came home early and we both slept for a few hours.

This cold is kicking my ass.

I got NO cardio in AGAIN. And I'm just so tired and foggy-headed. Blech!

So, short entry, I guess.

Today's Goal: Get in 10 min of cardio = FAIL (too darned tired and hard to breathe)

Tomorrow's Goal: really watch the calories; try to get some workout in; drink water!

Calories Consumed: 1030

Workout:

Cardio: NONE

Strength Training:

50 regular crunches

50 oblique crunches

50 reverse crunches

2 rounds of the Pilates 100

100 regular squats (10 lbs each side)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each side)

100 plie squats (10 lbs each side)

100 pulsed plie squats (10 lbs each side)

Day 16 - To-do Lists and Alone Time

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

So today was a very productive day! My workouts were great, I met my goals and I covered my to-do list. All in all a great productive day!

To-do lists. I always put WAY too much on my lists and, thus, never feel fully accomplished even when I get a majority of it finished. I'm taking a tip from my friend, Becky, who has been posting lists each day of things to accomplish.

She learned: "a person can only really do about 6 things in any given day and do them well. Any more than that and you are overloaded. Often just those 6 things can have multiple steps that have to be completed before they are considered done."

I like that.

So I'm limiting my already busy life to only 6 things on my To-do list. Today, I accomplished 5 out of 6. And I feel really great about that!

It's about finding the little successes in life. I know I tend to say to myself that I haven't done enough. I should push harder, work harder. Well, then life just sucks all the time. Seriously. Without a few successes along the way life just feels like a big ball of crap that I have to keep rolling up the hill. It, inevitably, rolls back down and I have to start pushing again.

It's not really living.

I have also become to cherish my alone time. I used to be so anxious growing up that people didn't love me and would forget about me. I feel so much more fulfilled and my anxiety about those things are less. I really love spending time with me, these days. I'm pretty cool. And this blog has helped to make me focus on me and what I am doing positively in my life. That's a wonderful change from where I was even 2 years ago!

Tomorrow's Goal: take my multi-vitamin, do 45 minutes of cardio

Today's Goal: take multi-vitamin = SUCCESS

add push-ups to strength routine = SUCCESS

Calories Consumed: 901

Workout:

Cardio:

45 minutes (jogging)

3 minutes (warm up)

5 minutes (cool down/stretch)

Strength Training:

100 push-ups

100 biceps curls (10 lbs)

100 back rows (15 lbs)

100 triceps curls (1o lbs)

100 shoulder press (1o lbs)

100 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 13 - Up and Down

Saturday, December 5, 2009

So, today was all over the map. Jon and I had some errands to run so we rolled out of bed and slowly got our day moving. It was ok...just a slow-going day. I forgot my water (that really bummed me out) and didn't plan ahead to take any snacks, so we ended up stopping at a restaurant to have lunch.

While we were there, I was counting calories in my head and figuring out what I could cut/take home, etc.

Jon made a joking comment about "being careful about those calories" on a new low-caloric syrup made from blue agave that I'd never tried and I flipped out. I was so offended that he thought I needed help with my calorie counting! Didn't he know I was watching every morsel, every calorie I was eating? Did he think I needed a policeman watching my every move?!?!?

Well, after many an apology and my grudgingly "letting it go" (I was still upset but not AT him, but I couldn't explain/figure out what had really made me so angry), we finished (and even enjoyed) the rest of our meal and came home.

I worked out last night and got in all my water and Jon made a delicious veggie casserole. We ended up going to sleep really early. I guess we were tired. But I was still thinking about why I was so quick to anger.

I'm still not quite sure, but I think it has to do with a few things:

1) yes, I was "ok" with not having dropped weight this week (even glad I didn't gain) but after all this hard work, I have to acknowledge that I was disappointed that I didn't lose. More disappointed than I even wanted to admit. I was "covering it up" trying to be positive and just let it go, but I've learned that you can't move through something and get on the other side without actually feeling those feelings. And even if I don't plan on feeling them, they will happen. So, yeah. I AM disappointed, dammit.

2) I went to a memorial yesterday. For a beloved teacher. Who was 39 years old. And wonderful. And died of breast cancer. Seriously. It's so not fair. And there is breast cancer all over my family. My aunt just died of it. My mom is a survivor but only had a 2o% chance. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt who just passed away) had it and hers manifested when she was 33. Yeah. I'm 33 now. So, yeah. Fear, concern and all that is getting internalized. And sometimes it needs an outlet, I guess.

3) Calorie counting is tenuous and frustrating. And it's a delicate balance when out to eat and not being able to get what you want because it will end up on your stomach and ruin everything you've worked for. It's often much more of a mental game than anything else. And when someone jumps in and tries to "help" it can be irritating. And it can feel like you're being judged. That's exactly what it felt like to me. Like Jon was watching my every move and "scolding" me for what I was eating. I was pissed.

Now, of course, that wasn't at all what Jon was trying to do, but I had a hard time believing him. I was already feeling down for a number of reasons (as I stated), so that just pushed me over the edge.

We figured it out, and I feel better acknowledging that I was sad and disappointed and just feeling judged and down. So, now I have to look forward and realize that the day wasn't a total bust. I did work out and I did drink water and gave it my best. Today, that's where my best was. And that's ok.

Today's Goal: Drink 80 - 100 oz of water. = drank 80 oz = SUCCESS!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout:

Cardio: 45 minutes

(jogging, invisible jump rope, step-ups, dead leg lifts)

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (both sides)

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats) (10 lbs)

Day 12 - Weigh-in week 2 and acceptance

Friday December 4, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day! I did my morning weigh-in and... (drum roll please!)

I LOST NO WEIGHT! Yay!!!!!

Huh? I'm happy about this? Actually, I am. Week 2 is often a discouraging week. A big weight loss on week 1 can set up ridiculous expectations for Week 2. (I know my weight loss in week one was only 1.8 pounds, but that was a LOT for me).

Here's the success of this story... I didn't gain! Not an ounce! THIS is good news. It's common for that to happen. And considering I'd had a few struggles this week with feeling run-down and trying to keep the balance, I'm actually pleased by this. No gain in week 2!

Today played out rather bizarrely. I woke up early, (and thanks to my listening to my body and taking the recovery day yesterday I actually FELT better and ready to get up) and did my workout immediately.

Then I got dressed and went to a memorial for a beloved teacher, Kristin Spangler who passed away from breast cancer only a few weeks ago. I'm surrounded by this awful disease. Too many family members have been diagnosed. Too many friends and family have died from it. It sickens me.

The memorial was beautiful and appropriate and I was pleased to have been there to honor such an extraordinary woman. She had "magic hands". (She taught us the Alexander Technique and lived it in her day to day life. Amazing).

My friend, Alexis, and I found ourselves remembering her and laughing about crazy school moments on the drive back. I realized I hadn't eaten since 9am and it was now 2:30pm. To remedy it, we went to the Chicago Diner (amazing vegan/vegetarian options). I chose as wisely as I could and, yes, had them wrap 1/2 of it to take home. Which was good because I really could have eaten the entire plate! But now I have breakfast for tomorrow.

Then I came home and changed clothes AGAIN for Jon's company holiday party. It was at the Chicago Yacht Club. This was a fun night. I indulged in 1/2 a drink and was forced to eat what they served (a really awful barbeque sauced salmon...um, YUCK!). But I was careful and took small portions of everything (like I did at Thanksgiving). I probably over-estimated the calories in the dinner, but better to over-estimate than under-estimate, right?

Then I came home. I planned to work on a few Chanukah and Christmas gifts, but I was exhausted. So, bedtime!

Did NOT get my 80 - 100 oz of water in today. It was rough with all the running around and lack of bathrooms. I will remedy that tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goal: drink 80 - 100 oz of water!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout: Cardio:

42 min (jogging, step-ups), 5 min warm-up/stretch,

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side);

50 biceps curls (10 lbs);

50 triceps curls (1o lbs);

50 shoulder press (10 lbs);

50 chest flies (10 lbs)