Day 63 - Grey's Anatomy and Proud of me

Sunday, January 24, 2010

So today I dove back into the workout with a vengeance.

Normally, when Jon is home and I'm working out, we throw West Wing on.  I love having TV shows on DVD because they are the perfect time to do a cardio workout!  42ish minutes.

Today, though, Jon was sleeping a bit late (he's allowed), so I decided to pop in my newest TV show, Grey's Anatomy.

Ok.  I resisted watching this show.  FULLY resisted.  It sounded kinda dumb, no offense.  But, honestly, I've truly fallen for it.  It's funny and fun and it gets me through my cardio.
*I'm only on episode 4 season 1 so please, no spoilers! ;)

Other than that, Jon and I went to go see my friend and former teacher, Scott's, show at Act One.  He directed a one-act by Horton Foote called Laura Dennis.  It was performed by the first year students (it's a 2 year conservatory).  They are half-way through their first year.  I thought they did a very nice job, considering.  There is some real talent there.  Others have some work to do, but they are really on the right track.  It's lovely to see that. :)

Food shopping and dinner rounded out the night.  We were tired but not sleepy.

I am still feeling a bit stressed and sad about my communication problems with Lisa.  I hope we get a chance to see each other and resolve this.  She's one of my best friends and one of my maids of honor for my wedding.  It would be a shame if this causes us any more grief.  However, I realize I am seeing things differently than I used to.  I'm happy about my life changes, but I do realize that often it's weird for people who have known me for a while, (especially through the really bad times) to see a change in me.  I mean, I am not only changing from the outside, I'm changing on the inside.  Cheesy-sounding, I know, but I'm really happy with who I'm becoming.  And I'm really proud.

When I was at Act One, I realized how frustrated I was all the time.  I was sad and angry and anxious.  I was never content with myself.  I thought the world was against me and I had limited time to reach my goals or I would be a failure.  I saw myself as the one with the most experience and the oldest and it scared me how shameful I felt being back in school.  I thought there was something wrong with me.

I don't feel that way anymore.  I made some big decisions upon leaving school and it's never too late to change your life, I feel.  So, here I am.  I'm changing it.  And I feel great about my choices.  It's always a journey and a process.

Today's Goal: Back on the workout track!

Tomorrow's Goal: be careful eating at Mom's for dinner

Calories Consumed: 1090

Workout:
       Cardio:
           42 minutes
          (1 - 10 minute sprint; 5- 1 minute skaters)
           8 minutes cool-down/stretch

      Strength Training:
           30 push-ups
           50 back rows (15 lbs each hand)
           50 biceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
           50 triceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
           50 chest flies (12 lbs each hand)
           50 shoulder press (12 lbs each hand)

Day 62 - Weigh-in week #9 and Adventures

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So today Jon and I took a drive out to Wisconsin!  Our plan was to go to my dear friend, Debbie's, baby shower and then head over to see one of my best friends, Lisa, who lives in Kenosha.

Debbie lives in Neenah, Wisconsin which is about 3.5 hours one way from Chicago.  We had the whole day planned.

Get up and get out by 9:00AM.

Get to Debbie's by 1:30PM (when the shower starts)

Hang there for awhile (I haven't seen her much and definitely not since she's gotten pregnant)

Then head back towards Kenosha and see Lisa, her family, and her boyfriend Ryan at the bowling alley.

The day started great.  We were a little late (about 20 minutes) but nothing awful.  Debbie was thrilled to see us.  Then when everyone started to get going we decided to hang out for a while.

We planned to chat with them and then head out to see Lisa who just told us to let her know when we were in the 'hood.

We sort of cut our conversation short to ensure we'd make it to Kenosha at a decent hour when we texted her.  Unfortunately we weren't able to make that meeting happen.  For reasons I don't quite understand...

Why am I mentioning all this?

Well, I wanted to say that I handled something that was really upsetting in a different way than my normal way.

I used to get upset and then stuff down my emotional response to it.  Usually I felt like I looked weak or too vulnerable to visibly show I am hurt by something.  Easier to get angry about it, right?

While driving, I made it a point to take a breath and realize, and verbalize that I am very sad about this situation.  I really was disappointed and I really wanted to see my friend and I was hurt that it was not able to happen.

I expressed those sad feelings.  I did, also, express my angry and frustrated feelings.  But the fact that I acknowledged my hurt ones is a big step for me.

I'm proud of that.

Maybe this over-haul on me is working...

I realized this morning that I completely forgot to do a weigh-in yesterday!  All the filming excitement got to me!

So!  Here are the results:  Back down those 4 ounces I gained!  YAY!

Weight-loss to date: 6.8 lbs!  Yay!

Today's Goal: be careful with my choices at the shower!  And if we get drinks with Lisa = SUCCESS! (I did have a bite of the awesome cake but it was totally budgeted in the calories. And, well, we never even saw Lisa to have drinks...)

Tomorrow's Goal: Back on the workout track!

Calories Consumed: 1053

Workout: NONE = recovery

Day 58 - Celebration and appreciation

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

So today is my oldest friend, Kathleen's, birthday.  I've known K since I was 9 years old.  We went to a performing arts camp together at the park district and became fast friends.  We then ended up performing in a group called "Traveling Troupe" which performed all over Chicago.  The ages of the performers were 12 - 14.  THEN, we both ended up at Interlochen Arts Academy for high school.

It feels like we've known each other forever.  :)  I'm grateful for that friendship.

She is having a small gathering of people at The Cheesecake Factory this evening.  We are all headed out to celebrate her birthday.

I'm very excited to see her.  She lives in New York but often travels all over for work.  She's a dancer/actress/singer and often gets shows in Florida and Vegas.  She's a busy girl!

My biggest challenge:  making sure I watch my portions and not feeling guilty about the drink(s) I consume.

Cheesecake does offer a fantastic herb-crusted salmon with a huge salad.  I believe I will definitely get that and put the dressing on the side.  Then I'll for sure have leftovers to take home.

I did my workout earlier today.  I had a tough time with cardio.  I just couldn't get my body working. But I got something in, and that's what counts.

Today's Goal: Get that water in = SUCCESS/FAIL (I think I got in about 60 oz but counteracted it with the alcohol...)

Tomorrow's Goal: Get some work done with Carrie (my sister-in-law) and get 40 min. cardio

Calories Consumed: 1132

Workout:
         Cardio:
              3 minutes warm-up
              30 minutes jog/run
             (1 - 5 minute sprint)
              8 minutes cool-down/stretch

        Strength Training:
              50 push ups
             100 regular crunches
             100 reverse crunches
             100 oblique crunches (both sides)

Day 57 - set-sick and determined

Monday, January 18, 2010

So today I had a shorter day on the set.  I started around 10:00 AM and was released around 3:00 PM.  It was a fun day.  However, upon getting released from the set I got depressed.

I really feel like when I walk on to the set I'm actually "home".  It's such a comforting feeling to be there.  I'm happy and content and don't feel like I'm "working" in any way.  Even though we keep ridiculous hours and I often need an amazing amount of sleep to counteract the time/energy it takes, I'd do it over and over again just to be a part of this incredible experience.

I love this work.  I love that this is my job.  I love saying that I'm a working actor and having something really impressive to show for it.

So leaving I feel "set-sick".  I'm homesick for the work, the people, the art.

To deal with that, I'm back trying to be on-track with my workouts and eating.

Of all the amazing things about being on set, I notice that I drink less water and am not as careful about noting every single calorie I put in my mouth.  While I'm not being an idiot about choices, I'm still grazing more than I'm writing.  It's tough when you are grabbing a quick bite between shots. It's the nature of the game.

But I'm back...at least for a few days.  Hopefully it's enough to start the scale moving down. :)  While I'm very proud of my work, I still have a ways to go before I hit my true goal.

Today's Goal: jump into the full routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Keep on that water!

Calories Consumed: 1009

Workout:
        Cardio:
             3 minutes warm-up
             40 minutes jog/run
            (3 - 5 minute sprints)
             8 minutes cool down/stretch

       Strength Training:
            50 push ups
            100 regular crunches
            100 reverse crunches
            100 oblique crunches (each side)

Day 46 - Recovery and Domesticated

Thursday, January 7, 2010

So today was my recovery day for this week.  I always feel leary of taking a recovery day the day before a weigh-in but I knew I needed it.  Besides, Jon and I had a ton of domestic crap to do around the house.  One of which was vacuum. Oh lord, it is not fun trying to do ab and strength training and stretching on our awful carpet, especially when it needs to be vacuumed!

Jon made a great dinner and we pretty much took it easy most of the evening.  It was a fairly uneventful day all around.  Work was only slightly stressful, so all in all it was a good day to rest.

I would have liked to have gotten in all my water, but that didn't happen.  I also realized I've been forgetting to take my multivitamin again!  ARGH! I have to get better about that.  I think it adds to my exhaustion. 

Today's Goal: Get some domestic things done. Take the day as recovery. Drink my water. 80 oz.

Success/Fail (got the domestic stuff done, took the day as recovery, only drank 60 oz)

Tomorrow's Goal: take my multivitamin

Calories Consumed: 1051

Workout: None - recovery

Day 42 - Freezing and Blue Agave syrup

Sunday, January 3, 2010

So today started out like a great Sunday morning.  I had no major obligations in the early part of the day and I was lazily getting myself out of bed to get going. 

I worked out to The West Wing.  We have the episodes on the computer but I am just getting through the series for the first time.  Love this show.  It really makes the workout go so much faster! For those who are interested, I'm in season 5, Episode 19.

I've rediscovered tea, again.  It tends to happen during the ridiculously freezing cold winters of Chicago.  I remember just how comforting a nice cup of tea would be and am always thrilled to have it warming up my hands.

However, The Chicago Diner has introduced me to a new love.  Blue Agave nectar/syrup.  Um, seriously this stuff is off the chains!  It tastes like a buttery honey syrup but has a low glycemic index (yay for me!) and is the same calories as raw honey!  Yet, it's so sweet you can use less and still have an amazing flavor! I feel like the blue agave plant reached down and patted my head in a loving gesture and showed me the ways of the future!  AMAZING.

So, yes, I have that in my tea or in my organic peanut butter (it's never sweet enough for me), or on toast.  Mmmmm.  It's a must-try!

After all that I went to rehearsal at the location of many of our scenes for the film.  Amazing.  So much fun.  A couple of us were there and we did some improv with our characters. It was a blast. :)

Tomorrow, work work work!  1 more week!  Next weekend is the film!  Woo hoo!  I'm going to try and keep up the blog, though.  I like having this blog to reflect and keep an account of my workouts and progress.

Today's goal: 2- 5 minute sprints during cardio = SUCCESS! (thanks West Wing!)

Tomorrow's goal: drink 80 oz of water

Calories Consumed: 1176

Workout:
       Cardio:
              3 minutes warm up
              47 minutes jog/run/invis jump rope/ football drills
              (2 - 5 minute sprints)
               8 minutes cool down/stretch

        Strength Training:
              50 back rows (15 lbs each hand)
              50 biceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
              50 triceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
              50 chest flies (12 lbs each hand)
              50 shoulder press (12 lbs each hand)

Day 41 - The unknown and Calories

Saturday, January 2, 2010

So today I realized I am going to have trouble remembering to type or write 2010 or '10 on anything for a while.  I usually can get it down by June and then have about 6 good months before having to revamp my brain to the new date.  This was much easier when I was younger! ;)

I slept in.  And I liked it.

Then reality hit and I realized that not only did I have to work out, but it was a night out with the family to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday! (Her actual birthday is tomorrow but it was the best night to get everyone together!).

So up I went to work out.  It went well today.  Maybe those extra calories last night helped?  Eh, too soon to tell.   Either way, I got through it and Jon and I showered and headed to the 'burbs to dinner.

We made a few stops along the way (looking for costume pieces for the film and for Jon to trade-in/buy some new games for our amazing state-of-the-art gaming system...Playstation 2!  (For those of you who aren't avid gamers, this system is definitely NOT state-of-the-art anymore.  It came out in 2000).

We had dinner at P.F. Chang's and everyone wanted to eat "family style".  This can pose a slight problem for me because I am eating "unclean" food (that wasn't prepared at home with little oil/butter, etc) and somewhat out of my control on how healthy it is.

I did my best in choosing the healthiest I could and avoided things that were deep fried or had too much sauce, etc.  I approximated my calories, and I think I was "close" but it's really not my favorite way to eat.  I also ended up going over my calories more than I intended to. But not terribly.

After we got home I wanted to watch Paranormal Activity to see what the hype was about.  It was definitely an intriguing movie.  I'd give it a thumbs up for freaking me out, psychologically.   Jon and I kept the lights on for a while and then watched a few Family Guy's to get it out of our systems. :)  That helped.

Tomorrow!  Informal rehearsal for the film.  :)

Today's Goal - eat 1350 calories = Success AND fail (I ate more than 1350 but I at least ate 1350...)

Tomorrow's Goal - 2 - 5 minute sprints during cardio

Calories Consumed: 1435

Workout:
        Cardio:
             3 minutes warm up
             45 minutes jog/run/invis jump rope
             (2- 5 minute sprints)
              8 minutes cool-down/stretch

     Strength Training:
             100 push ups
             1 round Pilates 100
             100 regular crunches
             100 reverse crunches
             100 oblique crunches (each side)
             100 regular squats (12 lbs each hand)
             100 regular pulsed squats (12 lbs each hand)
             100 plie squats (12 lbs each hand)
             100 plie pulsed squats (12 lbs each hand)

Day 35 - Plan and Decide

Sunday, December 27, 2009

So today Jon and I planned to go to Target and finish up some shopping we'd been meaning to get done for a couple of weeks.  We woke up at a decent hour and I decided I wanted to workout first so I could have the evening to just chill out.  It was a good plan!

Got my entire workout in and then we finished up our crazy shopping trip.  We have a few last minute gifts to send out and then we are finished!

I have decided to try and make a general list for the week in hopes that I can feel a bit more organized in my weekly scheduling.  Some of it is for the apartment (chores Jon and I have to get done but always find overwhelming when they've not been planned), and some are career/work/personal oriented.  Just for me.

I'm hoping having a list will help to keep me focused.  There are definitely days when I feel like I am barely making it through, time-wise, and I have had to avoid seeing people to make sure I'm getting my workouts/food/chores in.   I think with a little extra planning I will be able to coordinate things so that if there's a spontaneous get-together I can actually meet up with someone.  Which would be nice! :)

Jon and I have started filling out a book called "All About Us".  It's a neat little book that has questions and blanks that we fill out together and helps to facilitate conversation(s) about our relationship.  In most cases we've realized we've discussed these things but it's nice to have confirmation that feelings haven't changed or our understandings were just assumptions.  Etc.  It's been a neat thing to do to prepare for this marriage thing. :)

Other than that, all is well here. :)

Today's Goal: Get back in the workout routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: DRINK WATER!  (I don't think I'm drinking enough.  Stomach pains/heartburn and headaches are probably a good indicator I'm not.)

Calories Consumed: 1047

Workout:
       Cardio:
            3 minutes warm-up
            45 minutes jog/run/kicks/invisible jump rope
            (6 minutes of sprints/ 4 minutes of kicks)
            8 minutes of cool-down/stretch
  
      Strength Training:
           Slim in 6pack abs - 11 minutes
           100 regular squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 plie squats (10 lbs each hand)
           100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs each hand)

Day 34 - Recovery and Friendship

Saturday, December 26, 2009

So today was a lovely day!  Jon and I went to meet our friends K and Lori for lunch!  It was BLISSFUL!  We had a fantastic time and I made great choices with my meal.

In catching up, I realized how far I've come in a short time.  I know I still have a long journey ahead of me.  Pretty much a lifetime since I believe we are always able to learn and grow.  But, I'm seeing myself approach life and love and people in a better and healthier way.

This makes me happy. :)

It warms my heart to know that my dear friends give their "stamp of approval" on Jon Wolter.  I know he's wonderful and I am so lucky he's in my life.  But it helps to know that my friends agree.  Especially since with my ex, no one really liked him and EVERYONE thought it was a mistake that I was marrying him.  Except me.  This time, I've asked for reactions and, even when I haven't, they've been consistently positive.  This makes me happy.  I like knowing that the people who have my back think my intended is a good choice.  :)  I like that they like him. :)

Today was a full recovery day for workout.  I will replenish and return tomorrow!

Todays' Goal:  Make healthy choices at lunch = SUCCESS! (Got a salad -balsamic dressing on the side- with salmon)

Tomorrow's Goal: Jump back into my workout routine

Calories Consumed: 840

Workout = NONE - recovery

Day 33 - Weigh in week 5 and Christmas Dinner

Friday, December 25, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day. I'd been not feeling 100% this week, what with my moods and feeling like ick most of the week. I would not have been surprised if I didn't lose any thing. I would have been disappointed but not surprised.

As it goes, I lost 2 ounces. Not too bad. I'm obviously slowing down in the weight loss "frenzy". I know that happens, but it's slightly frustrating. My friend, Adam, (who has done an IRONMAN - yeah, I KNOW! ) tells me it's possible I'm not eating enough calories so my body isn't cooperating as well as it should/could. I'd LOVE to think he's right. It'd be nice to have the ability - nay - the NEED to eat more calories.

He says there's a fancy scale that can measure fat percentage and hydration as well as weight. That could give a more accurate look at what is going up and down. In other words, if my body fat is going up even if my weight is going down, that actually means I need to eat MORE calories because my body is holding onto the fat because it thinks I'm in starvation mode. Weird! So, maybe I will get ahold of this fancy schmancy scale. :) Thanks for the tip, Adam! You rock!

Tonight we had dinner at my Mom's house for Christmas. It was really fun! My mom is always coming up with crazy fun things to add to the fun of the celebration. This time she claimed Santa had visited and brought a gift for everyone. It was a lottery ticket! So everyone got a ticket and everyone promptly lost. It was great, though! :)

I was as careful as I could be on my calories and I even had a glass of wine and a very small piece of the amazing chocolate cake my mom baked.

I came home after dinner and worked out. Yes I did. Go me!

All in all, a very successful and fun holiday!

Today's Goal: Do not feel guilty = SUCCESS! I was careful and took what I wanted and ate it happily!

Tomorrow's Goal: Make good choices at lunch (having lunch with K and Lori!)

Calories Consumed: 1183

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

45 minutes jog/run/shadow box/kicks

(6 one-minute sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training

5o push ups

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each hand)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each hand)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each hand)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each hand)

Day 18 - Setting Goals and Recovery

Thursday, December 10, 2009

So today I accomplished many things. Although, none of them were workout related. I took my full day of recovery to the extreme. I slept late (I haven't picked up that 3 week temp job yet so I had the day off), and I cuddled with my dog a lot.

I did ALMOST finish one of my many Christmakkah gifts. Also, I started the process of sending out my promo materials for my website. That is definitely a process. I know I will get better/faster at it as the time goes by, but for now, it's a bit daunting!

Tomorrow is a fairly busy day. I'm "working" for my mom so I'm running errands for her business. Then Jon and I meet up with her and we go over the list for the wedding. Ugh. That will be slightly stressful. Then, Jon and I head home. So! I have the morning to get my workout in! Or, at least, the majority of my workout. I suppose I can do the weights at home later, if need be.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day! Fingers crossed...

Today's Goal: Submit to agents = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: be nice to myself for the weigh-in. Good or bad, I'm looking/feeling better.

Calories Consumed: 1108

Workout: None - recovery day

Tomorrow is Friday! Hopefully it won't be so blisteringly cold!

Day 14 - Cleanliness and Mood

Sunday, December 6, 2009

So today was a whirlwind day. Jon and I slept in a bit later than usual ('til 10am). He had the daunting task of cleaning our apartment and the animal hutches today. I had the daunting task of working out before my rehearsal for the film. (!!!)

I got right to it. 2 episodes of HOUSE on DVD got me through almost the entire thing. Then it was shower and get ready to go. My sister-in-law was visiting last night and she'd never seen our tiny apartment before. I wanted to show it to her in the best "light" possible. Hence, the cleaning frenzy. :)

Rehearsal was great. I had a fantastic time and my band members/fellow actors are pretty awesome. I always love going over to the director's home to rehearse. He and his wife have the most amazing personalities and they always make everyone feel welcome and at home. They live in this amazing loft. It's such a neat place. I would KILL to have that kind of space. :)

By the time I got home, Jon had done an incredible amount of work on the apartment. It looked awesome! I was actually HAPPY to be in this apartment. To be home. That perked my mood up immensely!

When my sister-in-law arrived she was amazed that Jon and I live here. Full-time. The fact that there is really no space and we've utilized every single corner, nook, and cranny floored her. As Jon put it, "Ali and I are very good at Tetris-ing our lives". And it's true.

There's definitely things we can do to organize and clean even more, but I'm feeling pretty great about going to sleep tonight.

Today's Goal (I forgot to set one!)

Tomorrow's Goal: add an extra "something" to my ab routine (Maybe the Pilates 100?)

Calories Consumed: 998

Workout:

Cardio:

3 min warm-up

45 minutes (jog, invisible jump-rope, step-ups)

5 min cool down

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs)

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 12 - Weigh-in week 2 and acceptance

Friday December 4, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day! I did my morning weigh-in and... (drum roll please!)

I LOST NO WEIGHT! Yay!!!!!

Huh? I'm happy about this? Actually, I am. Week 2 is often a discouraging week. A big weight loss on week 1 can set up ridiculous expectations for Week 2. (I know my weight loss in week one was only 1.8 pounds, but that was a LOT for me).

Here's the success of this story... I didn't gain! Not an ounce! THIS is good news. It's common for that to happen. And considering I'd had a few struggles this week with feeling run-down and trying to keep the balance, I'm actually pleased by this. No gain in week 2!

Today played out rather bizarrely. I woke up early, (and thanks to my listening to my body and taking the recovery day yesterday I actually FELT better and ready to get up) and did my workout immediately.

Then I got dressed and went to a memorial for a beloved teacher, Kristin Spangler who passed away from breast cancer only a few weeks ago. I'm surrounded by this awful disease. Too many family members have been diagnosed. Too many friends and family have died from it. It sickens me.

The memorial was beautiful and appropriate and I was pleased to have been there to honor such an extraordinary woman. She had "magic hands". (She taught us the Alexander Technique and lived it in her day to day life. Amazing).

My friend, Alexis, and I found ourselves remembering her and laughing about crazy school moments on the drive back. I realized I hadn't eaten since 9am and it was now 2:30pm. To remedy it, we went to the Chicago Diner (amazing vegan/vegetarian options). I chose as wisely as I could and, yes, had them wrap 1/2 of it to take home. Which was good because I really could have eaten the entire plate! But now I have breakfast for tomorrow.

Then I came home and changed clothes AGAIN for Jon's company holiday party. It was at the Chicago Yacht Club. This was a fun night. I indulged in 1/2 a drink and was forced to eat what they served (a really awful barbeque sauced salmon...um, YUCK!). But I was careful and took small portions of everything (like I did at Thanksgiving). I probably over-estimated the calories in the dinner, but better to over-estimate than under-estimate, right?

Then I came home. I planned to work on a few Chanukah and Christmas gifts, but I was exhausted. So, bedtime!

Did NOT get my 80 - 100 oz of water in today. It was rough with all the running around and lack of bathrooms. I will remedy that tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goal: drink 80 - 100 oz of water!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout: Cardio:

42 min (jogging, step-ups), 5 min warm-up/stretch,

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side);

50 biceps curls (10 lbs);

50 triceps curls (1o lbs);

50 shoulder press (10 lbs);

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 9 - Help and Inspiration

So today started out great! I got to have breakfast with a few high school friends and their significant others (and kid!) It was wonderful to see them! We caught up on what we were up to and, interestingly, I noticed a few things.

Everyone has been through shit:

As we went around the table I realized that my crazy "soap opera" story of how Jon and I met/got together/got accused of cheating/ etc. was par for the course. Every one had been through struggles and bad situations. No one's was "worse" than anyone else's and, funny enough, we all felt just as badly for each other.

Everyone has had success:

As much as we've all shown our scars, we've all experienced happiness! That was truly inspiring. Even through the crazy stuff, we've all survived and soldiered on. It was a beautiful thing to look around the table and realize I was happy! And by being happy I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Everyone has dreams that never came true:

We've all come from the same place (our high school) where we were touted as the future of the arts. We had drive, ambition, high hopes, energy and endurance. We all thought if we worked hard enough, met the right people, put ourselves in the right place, we'd be "successful", or our idea of successful. It's amazing to see that all that still lies there, sometimes beneath, sometimes on the surface, but it's shifted. We all STILL have that same fire in our bellies, but maybe our dreams changed! And THAT'S OK! We're finding our path in a different way. AND THAT'S OK!

Everyone has an open and generous heart:

If I learned anything walking away from that breakfast, I realized that I know some amazing people in my life. These women are only the tip of the iceberg on the mountain of friends I know are in my court. I'm wealthy with love. And I know that I give it right back. The biggest impression these ladies made on me was realizing that, above all, I love their hearts and their souls. And I was lucky to sit in their presence and share in that love. Sounds corny, right? Well, yeah, maybe. Either way, I felt beautiful. And they were beautiful to me. And we were all glowing from the inside. That was pretty damned special. :)

On a food note, I was a little nervous about what to eat. I mean, essentially, restaurants are notorious for feeding people 3 servings PER PERSON. Sometimes more. I knew that I was going to have to decide to take home my food even before I ordered it.

And that's what I did.

I chose slightly more unhealthy than I would have at home, but nothing horrible. And considering I was eating smaller portions, I was proud of myself in my choices.

I ended up eating the 2nd serving for lunch and I now have that last serving for breakfast tomorrow!

Tonight was The Biggest Loser episode. I spent it working out and watching. It was a great episode. It reminded me of something.

I have a lot of trouble asking for help.

I think it stems from my not wanting to be a burden or seem weak. Seeming weak and/or lazy is a HUGE issue with me. Now, honestly, I don't know where the issue originated. Maybe someone called me that when I was really young, or I know how I judge people who I feel aren't making an effort. (I'm working on that judging thing too!) But, regardless, I never want to seem unable to handle things. Whatever that means. So...asking for help can be one of those things. Weakness. ICK.

However, I noted that I have publicly posted this blog! I've sent emails about it to people. I have, ASKED FOR HELP in supporting me on this journey!

Here's the amazing thing:

PEOPLE HAVE COME THROUGH!

I've gotten emails and facebook messages from you! You've been so helpful and wonderful and supportive! You've even told me it's inspiring! It's kept me going! HONEST! :)

So thank you!

Lesson learned: Asking for help isn't always seen as weak! :)

That makes me happy!

Today's Goal: Make a healthy choice at the mini-reunion = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Get at least 30 min. of cardio in (plus my weights)

Calories Consumed: 1068

Workout: 33 minutes of cardio (jogging/invisible jump rope), 75 back rows (15 lbs), 75 bicep curls (10 lbs), 75 tricep curls (10 lbs), 75 shoulder press (10 lbs), 75 chest flies (10 lbs)

AND: I've had 100 oz of water!!! Woo hoo!

Day 8 - Emotions and choices

So today should have been a completely productive day, food and workout wise. And, for the most part, it was!

I did drink 80 oz of water (and I was proud of myself for that!). I did get weights in and I did get some cardio in (yay). Food went ok, although I think I ended up eating less calories than I intended. Not a terrible thing, but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode because I'm "afraid" to eat something.

What was on my mind today was more emotional and past baggage. One of my recurring issues is my inability to, sometimes, let go of the past. I find myself dwelling on things I could have/should have done better. Trying to figure out how to make amends with people who, frankly, don't want my amends. I would find myself making amends to people who didn't even deserve them. Just so they "wouldn't hate me". I was/am often upset by people who "don't like me". However, recently, I've realized that it's only the people I knew/know or whom I can't understand their logic of why they don't like me.

Example: I get when you break up with someone or they break up with you there's bad blood/tension. It's understood. Might be there for some time. But after a few years and new relationships and you're happy and they're happy and life is different, really? Are you REALLY still holding that grudge?

In my case I have 3 ex's that just won't talk to me. At all. Won't be facebook friends, won't communicate, etc. And, frankly, I know it's not the end of the world. But, especially in the case of two of them, they're both happily married and doing their thing (one of them has a kid now, I believe), so what's the problem? I'm OBVIOUSLY not a threat. So what's the harm in remembering/reconnecting with someone you had a very intimate relationship with?

The third one I get. His problem, while I don't agree with it, makes more sense. It was the most recent (2006), and we were engaged.

But more than anything, I just don't do well with crap hanging over me. I feel bogged down by it. I'm not sure where the problem within me lies, but I hate these "loose ends". The idea that there could be something like closure, (although I do believe it's a myth) is a concept I chase around like a cat chases string.

Why?

Why is the physical closure so important to me? Why do I need there to be "peace"? Why does their opinion of me or their lies or their impression of me make me want to prove to them and everyone they've told, "I'm good! I swear! I'm not a bad person! Believe me!"?

I guess that's where the strength of who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish here is all about. By taking this time for ME I'm telling myself that "I AM WORTH IT". And as cheesy/cornball as it sounds, I believe I need to KNOW that. Too many times in my abused past have I believed the opposite. Being the victim, the martyr, the "survivor by any means" is what I thought defined and shaped me.

So, even though I feel like I could have done MORE today, I'm glad I did what I did. I made choices FOR ME. For my health. For my well-being and happiness.

Life is like flying on a plane with altitude problems. When that oxygen mask comes down you put yours on FIRST before helping others.

Putting me first. Hard to do. But I'm doing it.

Tomorrow's goal: Make a healthy choice at mini-reunion breakfast!

Calories Consumed: 951

Workout: 17 min intense cardio (2-3 min rounds), 100 push ups, 100 regular crunches, 100 obliques (each side), 100 reverse crunches, 100 regular squats (10 lbs weights), 100 regular pulsed squats (10 lb weights), 100 plie squats (1o lbs weights), 100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs weights)