Oh my goodness I am so way behind I can't stand it!!!

I cannot believe how long it's been since I actually posted anything!

Life just took over and knocked me in the crazy zone.

HOWEVER:  I have not fallen off the wagon or fallen in a well or anything.  I have been keeping track of my workouts and my calories on paper and fully plan to post these things ASAP.

It just seems...daunting!  I'm exhausted every time I even THINK about doing this blog because I'm so way way behind.

BUT:  I came up with a solution.  Nothing is going to get better unless I work through it.

So for the sake of time and interest, I thought back to the reason I began posting here to begin with:  I wanted a place that would keep me accountable to myself.

So, the most important thing to post, for the moment, is what I did that day.  The emotions are sort of fleeting but still important, but I don't necessarily remember what was bugging me that day unless I address it that day.

I will be doing a flurry of daily posts to just "get those crazy days" out of the way.  I will be reflecting on things as they continue to play an emotional/recurring role in my head/in my life in future posts, for sure.  It is decidedly true that there is no way I would be succeeding this much if I wasn't putting my feelings/thoughts down on "paper".  I require that reflection.  It keeps my brain going in the right place AND it helps me acknowledge my successes (as well as my failures or...struggles).

Look for my crazy flurry of "all business" posts which should be appearing in the next few days.  After those are complete I am planning to jump head-on back into the "real" posts.

Thanks for being so supportive and awesome and reading this insanity that is my journey!

Hugs!
~Ali

Day 28 - Insomnia and stuck in the middle

Sunday, December 20, 2009

So today we were going with my mom and meeting with the videographer for the wedding. Before that, we were headed to my aunt's house for a "belated" Chanukkah party.

Party was great. I made good food choices and got some nice gifts. :)

The videographer looks like he will do a very nice job for the wedding. He's young, but knows the business very well. I like that.

On the way home I realized that my lack of sleep last night was REALLY catching up with me. I had so much energy yesterday I couldn't fall asleep. I stayed up reading. I finished my book and looked at the clock and it was 5 am! Woah!

So, with the lack of sleep and the late day, I decided to make this day my recovery day. And it's a good thing I did. I ended up falling asleep after Jon made dinner at 6:00! I slept until about 12:30 am, woke up, brushed my teeth and promptly fell back to sleep!

Earlier today Jon and I had a discussion about a friend of ours. I'm really worried about him. He's been making some decisions about his life that are worrisome. While Jon and I are equally concerned, I think, my emotional investment is more, in some ways. I feel guilty or responsible or something and it makes me sad/frustrated/angry. I don't really know how to get a handle on the feelings, lately. I guess it just sucks to watch someone not realize or see the mistakes they are making.

I suppose that's how my best friends felt when I was about to get married to my ex. They were silently screaming at me to see what they could clearly see. Actually, one of them was loud and clear and finally just had to walk away since she couldn't sit and watch me destroy myself (and my ex was quite a phenomenal asshole to her so it would have been detrimental for her to hang out with him, too).

Luckily for me after he was out of the picture, she and I reconciled. As horrible as it was to lose her, I realize why she had to do what she did. And I will ALWAYS be grateful for her being honest with me about why.

I am a coward. I should take a tip from my best friend and talk to this guy. But I feel like he's so down and out right now that the conversation would just add to the "badness". I don't see a good way to talk about this without it coming off crappy and preachy. Yet, I don't see a way to cut off from him without consequences.

I don't want to have to walk away.

I'm stuck in the middle of my emotional feelings about this one. It feels like I'm enabling if I physically help and it feels like I'm abandoning if I don't. I'm trying to, once again, find the balance of supporting without enabling. It's a really fine line! I kinda suck at it, actually. And, today, I pretty much fell apart in tears about the whole thing. I guess I can just encourage the good and discourage the bad and wait until he sees the situation for what it is, not what he thinks/hopes it is. And, honestly, I don't believe anything I could say WOULD make a difference.

It still sucks.

But I'm still working to take care of me, and that includes recognizing my successes as well as my not-so-successes (i.e. failures). I'm human.

Today's Goal: Get my water in - Fail (only got about 50 oz)

Tomorrow's Goal: Do my workout routine

Calories consumed: 959

Workout:

Cardio = None (recovery day)

Strength Training:

50 push-ups (did these earlier in the day)