Day 9 - Help and Inspiration

So today started out great! I got to have breakfast with a few high school friends and their significant others (and kid!) It was wonderful to see them! We caught up on what we were up to and, interestingly, I noticed a few things.

Everyone has been through shit:

As we went around the table I realized that my crazy "soap opera" story of how Jon and I met/got together/got accused of cheating/ etc. was par for the course. Every one had been through struggles and bad situations. No one's was "worse" than anyone else's and, funny enough, we all felt just as badly for each other.

Everyone has had success:

As much as we've all shown our scars, we've all experienced happiness! That was truly inspiring. Even through the crazy stuff, we've all survived and soldiered on. It was a beautiful thing to look around the table and realize I was happy! And by being happy I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Everyone has dreams that never came true:

We've all come from the same place (our high school) where we were touted as the future of the arts. We had drive, ambition, high hopes, energy and endurance. We all thought if we worked hard enough, met the right people, put ourselves in the right place, we'd be "successful", or our idea of successful. It's amazing to see that all that still lies there, sometimes beneath, sometimes on the surface, but it's shifted. We all STILL have that same fire in our bellies, but maybe our dreams changed! And THAT'S OK! We're finding our path in a different way. AND THAT'S OK!

Everyone has an open and generous heart:

If I learned anything walking away from that breakfast, I realized that I know some amazing people in my life. These women are only the tip of the iceberg on the mountain of friends I know are in my court. I'm wealthy with love. And I know that I give it right back. The biggest impression these ladies made on me was realizing that, above all, I love their hearts and their souls. And I was lucky to sit in their presence and share in that love. Sounds corny, right? Well, yeah, maybe. Either way, I felt beautiful. And they were beautiful to me. And we were all glowing from the inside. That was pretty damned special. :)

On a food note, I was a little nervous about what to eat. I mean, essentially, restaurants are notorious for feeding people 3 servings PER PERSON. Sometimes more. I knew that I was going to have to decide to take home my food even before I ordered it.

And that's what I did.

I chose slightly more unhealthy than I would have at home, but nothing horrible. And considering I was eating smaller portions, I was proud of myself in my choices.

I ended up eating the 2nd serving for lunch and I now have that last serving for breakfast tomorrow!

Tonight was The Biggest Loser episode. I spent it working out and watching. It was a great episode. It reminded me of something.

I have a lot of trouble asking for help.

I think it stems from my not wanting to be a burden or seem weak. Seeming weak and/or lazy is a HUGE issue with me. Now, honestly, I don't know where the issue originated. Maybe someone called me that when I was really young, or I know how I judge people who I feel aren't making an effort. (I'm working on that judging thing too!) But, regardless, I never want to seem unable to handle things. Whatever that means. So...asking for help can be one of those things. Weakness. ICK.

However, I noted that I have publicly posted this blog! I've sent emails about it to people. I have, ASKED FOR HELP in supporting me on this journey!

Here's the amazing thing:

PEOPLE HAVE COME THROUGH!

I've gotten emails and facebook messages from you! You've been so helpful and wonderful and supportive! You've even told me it's inspiring! It's kept me going! HONEST! :)

So thank you!

Lesson learned: Asking for help isn't always seen as weak! :)

That makes me happy!

Today's Goal: Make a healthy choice at the mini-reunion = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Get at least 30 min. of cardio in (plus my weights)

Calories Consumed: 1068

Workout: 33 minutes of cardio (jogging/invisible jump rope), 75 back rows (15 lbs), 75 bicep curls (10 lbs), 75 tricep curls (10 lbs), 75 shoulder press (10 lbs), 75 chest flies (10 lbs)

AND: I've had 100 oz of water!!! Woo hoo!

Day 8 - Emotions and choices

So today should have been a completely productive day, food and workout wise. And, for the most part, it was!

I did drink 80 oz of water (and I was proud of myself for that!). I did get weights in and I did get some cardio in (yay). Food went ok, although I think I ended up eating less calories than I intended. Not a terrible thing, but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode because I'm "afraid" to eat something.

What was on my mind today was more emotional and past baggage. One of my recurring issues is my inability to, sometimes, let go of the past. I find myself dwelling on things I could have/should have done better. Trying to figure out how to make amends with people who, frankly, don't want my amends. I would find myself making amends to people who didn't even deserve them. Just so they "wouldn't hate me". I was/am often upset by people who "don't like me". However, recently, I've realized that it's only the people I knew/know or whom I can't understand their logic of why they don't like me.

Example: I get when you break up with someone or they break up with you there's bad blood/tension. It's understood. Might be there for some time. But after a few years and new relationships and you're happy and they're happy and life is different, really? Are you REALLY still holding that grudge?

In my case I have 3 ex's that just won't talk to me. At all. Won't be facebook friends, won't communicate, etc. And, frankly, I know it's not the end of the world. But, especially in the case of two of them, they're both happily married and doing their thing (one of them has a kid now, I believe), so what's the problem? I'm OBVIOUSLY not a threat. So what's the harm in remembering/reconnecting with someone you had a very intimate relationship with?

The third one I get. His problem, while I don't agree with it, makes more sense. It was the most recent (2006), and we were engaged.

But more than anything, I just don't do well with crap hanging over me. I feel bogged down by it. I'm not sure where the problem within me lies, but I hate these "loose ends". The idea that there could be something like closure, (although I do believe it's a myth) is a concept I chase around like a cat chases string.

Why?

Why is the physical closure so important to me? Why do I need there to be "peace"? Why does their opinion of me or their lies or their impression of me make me want to prove to them and everyone they've told, "I'm good! I swear! I'm not a bad person! Believe me!"?

I guess that's where the strength of who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish here is all about. By taking this time for ME I'm telling myself that "I AM WORTH IT". And as cheesy/cornball as it sounds, I believe I need to KNOW that. Too many times in my abused past have I believed the opposite. Being the victim, the martyr, the "survivor by any means" is what I thought defined and shaped me.

So, even though I feel like I could have done MORE today, I'm glad I did what I did. I made choices FOR ME. For my health. For my well-being and happiness.

Life is like flying on a plane with altitude problems. When that oxygen mask comes down you put yours on FIRST before helping others.

Putting me first. Hard to do. But I'm doing it.

Tomorrow's goal: Make a healthy choice at mini-reunion breakfast!

Calories Consumed: 951

Workout: 17 min intense cardio (2-3 min rounds), 100 push ups, 100 regular crunches, 100 obliques (each side), 100 reverse crunches, 100 regular squats (10 lbs weights), 100 regular pulsed squats (10 lb weights), 100 plie squats (1o lbs weights), 100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs weights)

Day 7 - Blech and Fun

So today started out pretty awful. My cramps were at an all-time high of PAINFUL and I was barely able to drag myself out of bed to start any sort of work out.

I knew I had to be mindful today since Jon and I were going to see the opening night performance of this year's A Christmas Carol at The Goodman Theatre. I was really looking forward to it, but there was going to be an after party (which we were also invited to) with free-flowing wine and beer and free food. Free FONDUE food. Ummm....have I actually mentioned how much I love cheese? No? I. Love. Cheese. All kinds of cheese. Fondue is like a gift of love sent to me in little pots of warmth.

How in the world was I going to manage to stay away from THAT?

Well, technically I did. I indulged in one glass of white wine. That was it. I ate some fresh veggies (supposed to be used for the dipping in the CHEESE) and 2 medium shrimps that were being passed. That was it! I was very careful.

However, when I got home, I was STARVING! This is where the problems came in. We'd eaten lunch at about 1pm and I had a very very light snack before we walked out the door at 5pm. By the time the show was finished and we were at the party and I was avoiding all the food, I really needed to eat a dinner. So at 11:30pm, that's what I did! I had a good meal but wasn't satisfied. So I ended up eating a bit more of a snack (green apple and peanut butter mixed with raw honey). Wow that was incredibly good but it put me a bit over my calories.

However, I remind myself that even though I was over my calories, I still did MUCH better than I could have avoiding those pots of love...er...cheese at the party.

I also did not get in any cardio but I did do weights. AND I graduated to doing 1/2 the reps with a higher weight!

Tomorrow's Goal: Drink my 80 oz of water, get in cardio and weights

Calories consumed: 1301

Workout: 50 rows (15 lbs), 50 biceps curls (10 lbs for 25/ 8 lbs for 25), 50 triceps curls (10 lbs for 25/ 8 lbs for 25), 50 shoulder press (10 lbs for 25/ 8 lbs for 25), 50 chest flies (10 lbs for 25/ 8 lbs for 25)

Day 6 - Best Laid Plans

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Today started off with a bang. I was planning out my exercise and my food because I knew I'd be away from the house for a while and didn't want to get caught eating something unplanned.

How I thought my day would go:

1. Get up early and do 10 min. Cardio 2 (plus warm-up / cool-down) = 20 min.

2. Shower and dress for the day (I had the first table read for the film so I wanted to look nice/appropriate)

3. Get my food together for the day

4. Take Sparky to the vet for a quick vaccination

5. Drop off Wolter and head to rehearsal

6. Be at least 50% of the way through my water in-take by the time rehearsal starts

7. Have a great rehearsal and meet Wolter so we could head to Mom's to help her with her holiday list

8. Get home in time for another round of cardio (this time, Cardio 1 - 20 min with 5 min warm up, 5 min cool down)

9. Have a healthy dinner (courtesy of Wolter)

10. Do laundry!

11. Knock out another round of circuit weights (the 50's with bi's, tri's, back, shoulder, chest) at 10 lb weights.

12. Make sure I've completed my 100 oz of water

13. Log my food and write a fantastic blog about my great day!

HA!

Yeah, today did not go as originally planned.

Here's what REALLY happened:

1. Get up early and do 10 min. Cardio 2 (plus warm-up / cool-down) = 20 min.
Actually this went quite well! I got up early. Did the cardio and was happy I got that done. Day was looking good! = Win!

2. Shower and dress for the day (I had the first table read for the film so I wanted to look nice/appropriate)
I did, finally, get my butt in the shower (although I dawdled more than I'd planned) and was somewhat rushed in getting dressed. Plus, today was one of those days where everything looked icky on my body and I just wasn't feeling pretty.
= Win-sort of

3. Get my food together for the day
This was a bit rushed too. But I did manage to pack a good amount of food. Plus, I know the director and his wife are amazing and would have healthy options (and quite a spread) for us at the table-read. = Win-sort of

4. Take Sparky to the vet for a quick vaccination
Quicker than I'd imagined and he even got his nails clipped! = Win!

5. Drop off Wolter and head to rehearsal
Done and done! = Win!

6. Be at least 50% of the way through my water in-take by the time rehearsal starts
I was barely through 20 oz when rehearsal started. Plus, I'd been so early getting to rehearsal i went and hung out at a coffee shop and got a tea. So I was full of chai tea and there was just not enough room for chugging water at that point! I was feeling like my day was starting to unravel just a bit. Plus, I knew we'd be in the middle of reading through a script! It wasn't like I could pop up and go to the bathroom whenever I chose. I just figured I'd make it up later. = Possible Fail

7. Have a great rehearsal and meet Wolter so we could head to Mom's to help her with her holiday list
Had a GREAT rehearsal! Hooked up with Wolter at Mom's and began the holiday list = Win!

8. Get home in time for another round of cardio (this time, Cardio 1 - 20 min with 5 min warm up, 5 min cool down)
And here is where everything fell apart. Mom's awesome computer and the printer were not cooperating. Jon and I worked for nearly 4 hours trying to make this thing print envelopes and not make everything look like crap. I was getting testy. Jon was getting punchy. It was not going well. Mom offered to make dinner... = Fail

9. Have a healthy dinner (courtesy of Wolter)
Yeah...well...mom had taken my food issues in to consideration (which was incredibly nice of her) and I had a fairly healthy meal. However, because I was overwhelmed with how long this project was taking, my schedule was getting messed up. I was feeling defeated and frustrated because I was hungry but not for what I was "supposed to eat". That was frustrating, but, honestly, I couldn't see what it was I thought I wanted to eat. I didn't eat anything technically bad for me, but I was noting how much I all of a sudden really wanted a piece of chocolate. Or a pinwheel cookie. All because of frustration... = moderate Fail

10. Do laundry!
This was SO not happening! = Epic Fail

11. Knock out another round of circuit weights (the 50's with bi's, tri's, back, shoulder, chest) at 10 lb weights.
At this point this has yet to happen. And, honestly, it really may not happen. I'm so tired. By the time I got home it was 11:00pm! I don't know if I have the strength to finish this blog and proofread it, let alone do the weights! = Fail

12. Make sure I've completed my 100 oz of water
This did not happen. I don't even think I got close. MAYBE 50%? I mean, I'm not asleep yet. There's still time... = Fail

13. Log my food and write a fantastic blog about my great day!
At this point I want to shoot my morning self in the face for all the perkiness it had and yell obscenities at the world due to my frustration. Yeah, it's not been a stellar day. But I DID log my food, so far, and I AM writing about my...er...day. So = Fail/Win

Here's what I'm taking away from today:

I can't control everything. I know I want to. I want all my best laid plans to work when I want them to. It isn't going to happen. So, all I can do is prepare for things as I imagine them and improvise when I don't. I really did the best I could today, given the circumstances. I am irritable and cranky, well, probably because I have terrible cramps right now. Plus the frustration level at a computer that just won't communicate properly with a printer has made even the best office employee want to take a Louisville slugger to a machine now and then. It also doesn't help that my mom got a call in the middle of everything that a dear friend's son committed suicide. So she was emotional and that can kick the anxiety level up a notch, too.

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes it's a simple struggle to not be tempted by food. Sometimes it's a full-day of feeling completely behind the 8-ball.

Tomorrow is another day. I will get up and try it all again.

I can feel proud that my choices were the best they could be given my circumstances. I can't necessarily say that they would have been this good even 2 weeks ago. That's saying something. I'm human. I forget that fact once in a while.

Goal tomorrow was supposed to be Recovery day for exercise. However, depending on how I'm feeling, I may try to bust out those weights and get that moving.

Calories consumed: 751 (yes, I know, but I'm planning on having something more to eat in a bit)

Workout: Cardio 2 (10 min), warm-up (5 min), yoga/cool-down (5 min)

Day 5 - Weigh-in #1 and Surprises

Friday, November 27, 2009

I was determined NOT to make this a "Black Friday" for me, in terms of weight-loss! I've been busting it out and, well, here are the results!

1.8 lbs down!

WOO HOO! I, FINALLY, BROKE THROUGH MY PLATEAU!!!!!

I was so excited when I saw the number I nearly bent down and KISSED the scale. Actually, I didn't "believe" the number at first. I moved the scale around my bathroom to a few different places thinking maybe it wasn't calibrating correctly. But, there it was! Down to a different number! Oh joy of joys! Now, if all the weeks could be this good, I'll be THRILLED! :)

Surprises:
So, as in all movie-life, schedules change. And my challenge has just gotten a bit harder...instead of a beginning start date of shooting on January 17, 2010, I am now scheduled for my first day of shooting to begin on January 10, 2010. Um...yeah. I just lost a whole week. Gulp! But I still think I can do it!

I cannot tell you how encouraging you've all been to me. Thank you for your kind words and your continued support! It really really really goes a LOOOONG way! I promise.

Jon and I went out and bought some 10 pound weights. The 8 lbs are getting a little light for me in some of the weight-training exercises! ;) Love graduating up. I feel like an athlete, or a rock star, or some other really awesome person you wanted to be when you grew up. :) Is that what I'm doing? Am I finally growing up? Awww! Just when I started feeling so young!

Calories consumed: 1121

Workout: Cardio DVD, warm-up (5 min), Cardio 1 (20 min / 3 lb and 5 lb weights added), cool-down/yoga (5 min). Today was a "lighter" day for me in terms of workout. I didn't do traditional weights, although my cardio DVD has a bit of weight-training in it.

Tomorrow's Goal: Drink 100 oz of water. I think I fell below my water goal today. I wasn't as vigilant as I'd been in the past few days. I didn't plan well enough and found myself out and about and without water. I guess I should realize if I haven't been to the bathroom in over 2 hours, I'm definitely not drinking enough water! ;)

My Mood: Today I was in a fairly good mood. I had moments of irritability due to not expressing my hurt and "shutting down", but I think I'm beginning to recognize when I do that. It's just REALLY hard to be vulnerable and say, "wow that actually hurt my feelings". Or even ask, "Did you mean that to sound that way? Because to me, that sounded hurtful". Process, process, process! :)

Day 4 - Temptations

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Today was a challenge, like I knew it would be. But I went in mindful and ready for this challenge...well, at least about the food.

How I prepared:
I roped Jon into working out with me this morning. We recently purchased the all-cardio DVD of The Biggest Loser workout. We hadn't tried it yet. So to make sure I got in enough cardio today BEFORE Thanksgiving dinner we decided to do the warm-up (5 min), the 1st workout (20 min), the 2nd workout (10 min), cool-down yoga (5 min). Ummm...yeah. This DVD KICKED OUR ASSES! I mean, it was a tough 20 minutes to begin with, but then to tack on the extra 10 was a KILLER!. But I was determined to make it through. I was sweating bullets by the end!

Food:
I don't cook, usually, but somehow I agreed to make a dish for Thanksgiving. Picking the most innocuous (and the one with 4 ingredients or less!) I chose green bean casserole. I was cooking this for 17 people, so I needed double the amount of everything. I ended up buying 98% fat-free soup and 1/2 the cans of beans I used (french cut green beans, of course) were no sodium. Also, I cut the amount of milk and soy sauce it called for by 2/3. We only put a sprinkle of fried onions on top. It was hardly necessary! The casserole was flavorful and 1/2 the fat and sodium!

Beginning of the night:
I drank water all night. Everyone was drinking wine and really enjoying the chips, cheese, crackers, and shrimp with cocktail sauce set out for the appetizers! I did not partake in anything but the raw veggies and 2 naked shrimp (no cocktail sauce). And I didn't dip the veggies in the delectable looking spinach dip! Too tempting!

Dinner:
I filled my plate with all the fixings I wanted, adding about a cup of the salad and about 1/8 - 1/4 of a cup of everything else. Seriously, I had "bite-sized" tastings of food. And I did NOT go back for seconds. I also didn't have any turkey (I'm a pescatarian) so I ate mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, salad, and stuffing. It was DELICIOUS and I SO could have gotten more but I was really strict about it.

Dessert:
My sister-in-law went to culinary school and bakes the most delicious cakes, sweets, cookies, etc. you've ever tasted. She made 2 amazing desserts. I stuck my fork in the lemon meringue pie that Jon had and it was UNREAL! So good. But that was all I had, with the exception of a mug of green chai tea and a splash of fat free organic milk.

The strangest part of the night was asking my family to support me in my challenge. I got mostly supportive responses. Although I was asked to reveal my current weight and the weight I'm striving for. I did NOT do that. I simply explained I was looking forward to losing 10 pounds in 8 weeks and another 10 pounds before June 19. It was bizarre! We spent a good deal of the evening discussing "the cardio question" and I found myself having to justify my decisions to eat as little as I wanted to and to workout in the manner that I was. My father kept saying, "Don't you think this is too strict a diet"? I explained that I would probably be less strict in the future after I reached my goal weight and was able to begin maintaining. But to GET there I needed to be very strict, at first.

Sigh. I guess it's all a process and a journey for everyone.

I made a guess on the calories I ate tonight and I think I over-estimated but it's better than under-estimating I suppose.

Goal Achieved: To conquer Thanksgiving and NOT be too tempted but still get to eat the food! = Success!

Calories Consumed: 1164 (approximately)

Workout: Cardio (laid out above), 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches, 100 obliques (each side), 100 regular squats (8 lbs), 100 regular pulsed squats (8 lbs), 100 plie squats (8 lbs), 100 pulsed plie squats (8 lbs)

Tomorrow: FIRST WEIGH-IN!!!! :)

Day 3 - The Cardio Question

So today I worked my temp job again and found it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed! Thank goodness I don't have too much to do at this particular job because I was spent. Sleeping on a futon mattress is not always the most comfortable night's sleep. I'm hoping one of the gifts we purchase after the wedding is a new mattress! We definitely need one.

I wanted to do some research on the whole cardio question: Is the whole "endurance running" "slow and steady" type of cardio the way to drop the pounds or can it be done with much shorter bursts? I once heard you can work out for shorter bursts of cardio and STILL drop the weight.

Even if it takes you all day.

All I know is I've BUSTED my ass trying to get into the whole "running/jogging" thing. I've TRIED to get the whole endurance thing and, honestly, I SUCK at it. It just makes me feel defeated and angry, and subsequently, depressed. Last summer I was on the treadmill 5 days a week running no less than 2.5 - 3.0 miles each time and I didn't see a damn thing change. Not in my body, not in my jeans, not on the scale. I was so defeated and disappointed. I gave up. I thought, well, first of all, at the end of the 3 miles I was spent. I had no interest/want to do more. Plus, it was doing NOTHING for me. I would check my heart rate on those hand sensors and I was CONSTANTLY running OVER 90% of my MHR. Unless I slowed to a VERY SLOW jog or a walk, I was always in that zone. I found myself burning out. Mentally and physically.

So, I decided that this time I was going to try something new. I was going to try to bust out my cardio during the commercial breaks of my favorite shows. I found it's much easier to do the weights while the show is going on (and still be able to follow the story) but not the cardio. So I'm putting it to the test. The other thing it does, is it gives me a "deadline". I know it'll never be more than a constant 4 minutes of "busting it out". I can do ANYTHING for 4 minutes! And sometimes it's less.

I figured something out.

I've always been a "sprinter". My career choices, as an actor/temp/etc. always have an end-date. I work best on "projects". I guess I get bored very quickly. But I have all this energy to put into something and I burn out if I don't see progress soon. I think the same goes for exercise/cardio. I can sprint. I could ALWAYS sprint. I was one of the fastest in Middle School. But once we had to do endurance runs, I almost always came in the last group. I just burned out early.

So I'm trying it out. Let's see what happens, right? This whole thing is an experiment! :)

I feel great today, though. I took a nap. AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT! My body actually really needed it. And when I finally got up to get my evening started and do my work out, I felt GREAT! So, YAY ME!

Also: Goal of drinking my 60 oz of water before 12:30pm = COMPLETE! (YAY ME, AGAIN! And I did get a few leg lifts in at the desk! Not as many as I wanted, but I still got a few in!)

Calories Consumed: 1123

Workout: 80 biceps curls (8 lbs), 80 triceps extensions (8 lbs), 80 chest flies (8 lbs), 80 shoulder press (8 lbs!) 80 dumbbell rows -each side- (15 lbs)
Cardio: 25 minutes cardio