Day 91 - Wedding madness and bad dreams

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

So today my mom and I spent most of the day working on wedding stuff.  I think we finally got our invitations!  We have one more meeting with the vendor and then we are set to go.  This thing is really happening!

My heart hit my feet when they told us the invites need to go out on April 19th.  Ummm, THAT'S LIKE AROUND THE CORNER!  I feel like we've done NOTHING and have SOOOO much left to do before this wedding!

Breathe!!!

Anyhow, Carrie and I did some work on our home-business and then my mom and I started home from the suburbs.  In traffic.

It wasn't so bad but I was really happy I had worked out this morning!  It made it possible for me to not be so anxious while we were out.  I don't spend the whole day just hoping I'll have enough energy to workout when I get home after whatever is going on.  I love getting it done first thing!

Another reason for invitation anxiety is that at my previous non-wedding, my ex pulled his bullshit right as the invitations were hitting the calligrapher.  We had to literally THROW OUT all our invitations. Today was a reality moment that this thing is really happening. And it's a WONDERFUL thing.  :)

I'm sure all this ramping up to the wedding is helping my incredibly bad dreams I've been having about my ex and Jon's ex.  There's so much history and drama with them.  Jon's ex was supposed to be in my last wedding.  It makes for some bad feelings and ugly situations.  I hate that it manifests itself in my dreams.  My sleep is bad enough as it is, (we need a new mattress and we need new non-meth-addicted neighbors), so these dreams are just making it worse.

I feel like this will subside once we get past the 2 month mark.  Or at least when we are finally married.  Right?  I hope so!

Here's how today played out.

How do you deal with stressful dreams?

Calories Consumed: 1220

Workout:
       Cardio:
             3 minutes warm-up
             33 minutes
             (1 - 5 minute sprint)
             8 minutes cool down

     Strength Training:
            60 back rows (resistance bands)
            60 pulsed back rows (resistance bands)
            60 biceps curls (12 lbs each hand for 10; 10 lbs each hand for 50)
            60 triceps curls (12 lbs each hand for 10; 10 lbs each hand for 50)
            60 shoulder press (12 lbs each hand for 10; 10 lbs each hand for 50)
            60 chest flies (12 lbs each hand for 10; 10 lbs each hand for 50)

Day 65 - Coffee date and Keeping my heart open

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

So today I had a rather busy day.  I ran up to the suburbs to see my sister-in-law and work on our new business together.  (I'll update more on this when we are fully up and running.  Right now I'm slightly tight-lipped until we fully launch).

We had a really great conversation about money and children.  It's so nice how much closer she and I are getting.  She is the one person who lives the closest who is in my wedding party!  I fear she will have the burden on her for lots of work!  Poor Carrie! ;)

After that meeting, I headed back into the city to meet my dear friend Bethany for coffee.  We have been trying to hook up once a month to reconnect when possible.  There's this one Starbuck's near where she works so we tend to meet up there and just talk and catch up.  It's really nice to see her.

On my way, I got a phone call from Grant, the lead in the Fall Away film I'm in.  We had a great conversation where I gave him some advice about "keeping your heart open and ready".  It's something I usually believe strongly in, but sometimes have a hard time putting into practice.  The whole "live as if" attitude is sometimes really hard, but necessary.  In his case, he has a case of the lonely-hearted.  He wants a relationship.  I told him as long as he is keeping his heart open and his life available for that he will find it. I really hope that's true.  He deserves happiness.  He's such a special person!

I got home just in time for The Biggest Loser!  I did my workout watching it and Jon made dinner.  Epic Success!

:)

All in all, a good day.  Lisa and I are meeting on Thursday evening.  Interestingly enough, I'm feeling less stressed about it.  I feel like we just got caught up in whatever and just need a reconnection.  I'm hoping I'm right.  I really miss her and just want to spend some time hanging out with her.  I hope she feels the same way.

Today's Goal: Workout during The Biggest Loser = SUCCESS

Tomorrow's Goal: Postcards. No excuses.

Calories Consumed: 927

Workout:
        Cardio:
              3 minutes warm-up
             45 minutes jog/run
             (1 - 10 minute sprint; 1 - 5 minute sprint)

        Strength Training:
             25 push ups
             50 back rows (using resistance bands)
             50 pulsed back rows (using resistance bands)
             50 biceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
             50 triceps curls (12 lbs each hand)
             50 chest flies (12 lbs each hand)
             50 shoulder press (12 lbs each hand)
            

Day 62 - Weigh-in week #9 and Adventures

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So today Jon and I took a drive out to Wisconsin!  Our plan was to go to my dear friend, Debbie's, baby shower and then head over to see one of my best friends, Lisa, who lives in Kenosha.

Debbie lives in Neenah, Wisconsin which is about 3.5 hours one way from Chicago.  We had the whole day planned.

Get up and get out by 9:00AM.

Get to Debbie's by 1:30PM (when the shower starts)

Hang there for awhile (I haven't seen her much and definitely not since she's gotten pregnant)

Then head back towards Kenosha and see Lisa, her family, and her boyfriend Ryan at the bowling alley.

The day started great.  We were a little late (about 20 minutes) but nothing awful.  Debbie was thrilled to see us.  Then when everyone started to get going we decided to hang out for a while.

We planned to chat with them and then head out to see Lisa who just told us to let her know when we were in the 'hood.

We sort of cut our conversation short to ensure we'd make it to Kenosha at a decent hour when we texted her.  Unfortunately we weren't able to make that meeting happen.  For reasons I don't quite understand...

Why am I mentioning all this?

Well, I wanted to say that I handled something that was really upsetting in a different way than my normal way.

I used to get upset and then stuff down my emotional response to it.  Usually I felt like I looked weak or too vulnerable to visibly show I am hurt by something.  Easier to get angry about it, right?

While driving, I made it a point to take a breath and realize, and verbalize that I am very sad about this situation.  I really was disappointed and I really wanted to see my friend and I was hurt that it was not able to happen.

I expressed those sad feelings.  I did, also, express my angry and frustrated feelings.  But the fact that I acknowledged my hurt ones is a big step for me.

I'm proud of that.

Maybe this over-haul on me is working...

I realized this morning that I completely forgot to do a weigh-in yesterday!  All the filming excitement got to me!

So!  Here are the results:  Back down those 4 ounces I gained!  YAY!

Weight-loss to date: 6.8 lbs!  Yay!

Today's Goal: be careful with my choices at the shower!  And if we get drinks with Lisa = SUCCESS! (I did have a bite of the awesome cake but it was totally budgeted in the calories. And, well, we never even saw Lisa to have drinks...)

Tomorrow's Goal: Back on the workout track!

Calories Consumed: 1053

Workout: NONE = recovery

Day 57 - set-sick and determined

Monday, January 18, 2010

So today I had a shorter day on the set.  I started around 10:00 AM and was released around 3:00 PM.  It was a fun day.  However, upon getting released from the set I got depressed.

I really feel like when I walk on to the set I'm actually "home".  It's such a comforting feeling to be there.  I'm happy and content and don't feel like I'm "working" in any way.  Even though we keep ridiculous hours and I often need an amazing amount of sleep to counteract the time/energy it takes, I'd do it over and over again just to be a part of this incredible experience.

I love this work.  I love that this is my job.  I love saying that I'm a working actor and having something really impressive to show for it.

So leaving I feel "set-sick".  I'm homesick for the work, the people, the art.

To deal with that, I'm back trying to be on-track with my workouts and eating.

Of all the amazing things about being on set, I notice that I drink less water and am not as careful about noting every single calorie I put in my mouth.  While I'm not being an idiot about choices, I'm still grazing more than I'm writing.  It's tough when you are grabbing a quick bite between shots. It's the nature of the game.

But I'm back...at least for a few days.  Hopefully it's enough to start the scale moving down. :)  While I'm very proud of my work, I still have a ways to go before I hit my true goal.

Today's Goal: jump into the full routine = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Keep on that water!

Calories Consumed: 1009

Workout:
        Cardio:
             3 minutes warm-up
             40 minutes jog/run
            (3 - 5 minute sprints)
             8 minutes cool down/stretch

       Strength Training:
            50 push ups
            100 regular crunches
            100 reverse crunches
            100 oblique crunches (each side)

Day 31 - PMS? and Doc appointments

Wednesday, December 23, 2009



I. Am. Exhausted! I don't know if I'm not getting enough sleep, or the right sleep or the right kind of enough sleep, but I am dragging! It was an epic battle to get me out of bed this morning and get myself even remotely ready for work. I should not have been allowed out the door looking or wearing what I am currently wearing! Luckily, I did not forget to pack a lunch and snacks so I'm all set there.



I'm nervous about my ability to actually work out today. I may just fall into bed fully clothed and fall right back to sleep! I mean, if that's the case, then obviously my body needs it, but I'm feeling like I'm falling behind or something.



I've been irritable. Short-fused. Emotional (well, more than I usually am). I think I might have PMS. Which would account for my moods... BUT, what worries me is the scale. I KNOW it will either stay the same (minor horrors!), or INCREASE (TERRIFYING HORRORS!!!!!). I just have to trust that the scale is not my only means of measurement, (clothing and such) and to trust that once these weeks are over (the PMS and the actual week I menstruate) my body will go back to normal again. Right? RIGHT?????



Ugh. Exhausted AND paranoid.



I've heard that working out when you are PMS'ing is actually helpful. Yeah. I've never found that to be true. I have endometriosis and when the cramps hit, I hit the bed, fetal position, heavy advil and I whine mercilessly.



I'm a terrible patient. Because I'm impatient.



Poor Jon. I hope he doesn't have to deal with a tough month. Usually the worst of it only lasts a day or so. But it's not pleasant, regardless, for either of us. Although he takes it in stride. Good guy that he is. :)



To add to my complaining I'm going to make a freaking doctors list.

Jon and I really need to hit the doc's and I'm making sure that the money I'm making for these 3 weeks is delegated to our health. So...

-Gyno check up - ALI

-Get mammogram - ALI (already called for a prescription)

-Dentist cleaning - JON

-Dentist cleaning - ALI

-Dermatologist - JON

-Dermatologist - ALI

-Eye Doc check up - ALI


Today's Goal: Finish and send out holiday cards = SUCCESS/FAIL (finished them, didn't have enough stamps! Gotta do that tomorrow)


Tomorrow's Goal: Get 80 oz of water in + multi-vitamin


Calories Consumed: 1102


Workout:
Cardio:
3 minutes warm-up
50 minutes jog/run
(6 one-minute sprints)
8 minutes cool-down/stretch


Strength Training:
100 push ups
50 back rows (10 lbs each side)
50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)
50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)
50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 29 - Me first and addiction

Monday, December 21, 2009

So today I had to work for this temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. It's not a bad gig, actually. The residents are pleasant and the staff is really awesome and helpful.

I love that I am working by myself in this office. It's wonderful and "freeing" to not be watched all the time. I do have a supervisor I will check-in with when necessary but he works out of the corporate office.

I find that I'm identifying, in myself, certain behaviors and reactions that I'm not sure I was aware of. For example: I've noticed how much less anxiety I've felt recently. I don't know if it's from a clearer focus on what I actually want to do with my life or because of my more stable lifestyle.

I have surrounded myself with very addictive people while I stayed "unaddicted" or "the one you can count on". I was always surprising people when they realized I didn't have a true eating disorder, or alcoholism, or drug problem. Considering my abusive past and more recent relationships it did seem "not normal".

I believe I made myself anxious and crazy and found solace in helping others to the detriment of myself. I would take on charity cases and focus on them without ever having to focus on me. It's exhausting having to really take myself into account. I guess I never thought I was all that great to be around. I truly didn't like myself and couldn't understand why anyone else would like me.

When I looked at myself with a hard critics eye, I realized that I was really right about everything I thought. And I was jealous that others didn't have these "problems". It pissed me off. I finally realized I was my own self-fulling prophecy. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, "No, Ali, you're fine! You're great!". Funny thing was, people WERE telling me that. ALL THE TIME. I just didn't believe them. I believed this crazy idea in my head. I don't want that crazy idea to be right anymore. So the only thing I can change is how I approach things and my behavior, right? So, yeah.

This is part of the reason I started this blog. Yes, it was to be accountable to myself about how much I'm consuming and how much I'm working out. But, also, I know what I've done for 33 years hasn't worked. So it was time to try it a different way.

My ex pushed me to walk away from our life and our wedding two months before the date. He manipulated me and kept my dog, claiming he'd take me to court and win since his father is a lawyer. He tugged at every heartstring I had and then would push me away and ignore me, claiming "he needed space". I was miserable, but I thought it was love.

It wasn't love. It was addiction.

Ugh, there is SO much more I could go on about with this one. Suffice it to say, going "cold turkey" on an addiction is really really hard. It doesn't help that I suffer every day and miss my dog. However, I know it's the best compromise given the circumstances.

I see what a stable life and real love really means with Jon. We have a true partnership. It's special and real and he doesn't try to manipulate my feelings by threatening to leave me or push me away to see how hard I'll try to fight back. We trust each other. There is no walking on eggshells or anxiety about how we deal with each other.

That is love. Sustainable and real love.

I'm trying not to regret anything. That's hard. Putting things in the past is not an easy thing for me. It's definitely still a process I'm working on.

That said, my day ended on a good note. We got all our errands done that we set out to do today. Dishes are done, animals are fed and I had a good workout. All in all a reflective but good day!

Today's Goal: Do my workout = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work

Calories Consumed: 1012

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

50 minutes (jog/run - with five 1 min. sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training:

50 push-ups

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 28 - Insomnia and stuck in the middle

Sunday, December 20, 2009

So today we were going with my mom and meeting with the videographer for the wedding. Before that, we were headed to my aunt's house for a "belated" Chanukkah party.

Party was great. I made good food choices and got some nice gifts. :)

The videographer looks like he will do a very nice job for the wedding. He's young, but knows the business very well. I like that.

On the way home I realized that my lack of sleep last night was REALLY catching up with me. I had so much energy yesterday I couldn't fall asleep. I stayed up reading. I finished my book and looked at the clock and it was 5 am! Woah!

So, with the lack of sleep and the late day, I decided to make this day my recovery day. And it's a good thing I did. I ended up falling asleep after Jon made dinner at 6:00! I slept until about 12:30 am, woke up, brushed my teeth and promptly fell back to sleep!

Earlier today Jon and I had a discussion about a friend of ours. I'm really worried about him. He's been making some decisions about his life that are worrisome. While Jon and I are equally concerned, I think, my emotional investment is more, in some ways. I feel guilty or responsible or something and it makes me sad/frustrated/angry. I don't really know how to get a handle on the feelings, lately. I guess it just sucks to watch someone not realize or see the mistakes they are making.

I suppose that's how my best friends felt when I was about to get married to my ex. They were silently screaming at me to see what they could clearly see. Actually, one of them was loud and clear and finally just had to walk away since she couldn't sit and watch me destroy myself (and my ex was quite a phenomenal asshole to her so it would have been detrimental for her to hang out with him, too).

Luckily for me after he was out of the picture, she and I reconciled. As horrible as it was to lose her, I realize why she had to do what she did. And I will ALWAYS be grateful for her being honest with me about why.

I am a coward. I should take a tip from my best friend and talk to this guy. But I feel like he's so down and out right now that the conversation would just add to the "badness". I don't see a good way to talk about this without it coming off crappy and preachy. Yet, I don't see a way to cut off from him without consequences.

I don't want to have to walk away.

I'm stuck in the middle of my emotional feelings about this one. It feels like I'm enabling if I physically help and it feels like I'm abandoning if I don't. I'm trying to, once again, find the balance of supporting without enabling. It's a really fine line! I kinda suck at it, actually. And, today, I pretty much fell apart in tears about the whole thing. I guess I can just encourage the good and discourage the bad and wait until he sees the situation for what it is, not what he thinks/hopes it is. And, honestly, I don't believe anything I could say WOULD make a difference.

It still sucks.

But I'm still working to take care of me, and that includes recognizing my successes as well as my not-so-successes (i.e. failures). I'm human.

Today's Goal: Get my water in - Fail (only got about 50 oz)

Tomorrow's Goal: Do my workout routine

Calories consumed: 959

Workout:

Cardio = None (recovery day)

Strength Training:

50 push-ups (did these earlier in the day)

Day 13 - Up and Down

Saturday, December 5, 2009

So, today was all over the map. Jon and I had some errands to run so we rolled out of bed and slowly got our day moving. It was ok...just a slow-going day. I forgot my water (that really bummed me out) and didn't plan ahead to take any snacks, so we ended up stopping at a restaurant to have lunch.

While we were there, I was counting calories in my head and figuring out what I could cut/take home, etc.

Jon made a joking comment about "being careful about those calories" on a new low-caloric syrup made from blue agave that I'd never tried and I flipped out. I was so offended that he thought I needed help with my calorie counting! Didn't he know I was watching every morsel, every calorie I was eating? Did he think I needed a policeman watching my every move?!?!?

Well, after many an apology and my grudgingly "letting it go" (I was still upset but not AT him, but I couldn't explain/figure out what had really made me so angry), we finished (and even enjoyed) the rest of our meal and came home.

I worked out last night and got in all my water and Jon made a delicious veggie casserole. We ended up going to sleep really early. I guess we were tired. But I was still thinking about why I was so quick to anger.

I'm still not quite sure, but I think it has to do with a few things:

1) yes, I was "ok" with not having dropped weight this week (even glad I didn't gain) but after all this hard work, I have to acknowledge that I was disappointed that I didn't lose. More disappointed than I even wanted to admit. I was "covering it up" trying to be positive and just let it go, but I've learned that you can't move through something and get on the other side without actually feeling those feelings. And even if I don't plan on feeling them, they will happen. So, yeah. I AM disappointed, dammit.

2) I went to a memorial yesterday. For a beloved teacher. Who was 39 years old. And wonderful. And died of breast cancer. Seriously. It's so not fair. And there is breast cancer all over my family. My aunt just died of it. My mom is a survivor but only had a 2o% chance. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt who just passed away) had it and hers manifested when she was 33. Yeah. I'm 33 now. So, yeah. Fear, concern and all that is getting internalized. And sometimes it needs an outlet, I guess.

3) Calorie counting is tenuous and frustrating. And it's a delicate balance when out to eat and not being able to get what you want because it will end up on your stomach and ruin everything you've worked for. It's often much more of a mental game than anything else. And when someone jumps in and tries to "help" it can be irritating. And it can feel like you're being judged. That's exactly what it felt like to me. Like Jon was watching my every move and "scolding" me for what I was eating. I was pissed.

Now, of course, that wasn't at all what Jon was trying to do, but I had a hard time believing him. I was already feeling down for a number of reasons (as I stated), so that just pushed me over the edge.

We figured it out, and I feel better acknowledging that I was sad and disappointed and just feeling judged and down. So, now I have to look forward and realize that the day wasn't a total bust. I did work out and I did drink water and gave it my best. Today, that's where my best was. And that's ok.

Today's Goal: Drink 80 - 100 oz of water. = drank 80 oz = SUCCESS!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout:

Cardio: 45 minutes

(jogging, invisible jump rope, step-ups, dead leg lifts)

Strength Training:

100 regular crunches

100 reverse crunches

100 oblique crunches (both sides)

100 regular squats (10 lbs)

100 regular pulsed squats (10 lbs)

100 plie squats (10 lbs)

100 plie pulsed squats) (10 lbs)

Day 12 - Weigh-in week 2 and acceptance

Friday December 4, 2009

So today was a weigh-in day! I did my morning weigh-in and... (drum roll please!)

I LOST NO WEIGHT! Yay!!!!!

Huh? I'm happy about this? Actually, I am. Week 2 is often a discouraging week. A big weight loss on week 1 can set up ridiculous expectations for Week 2. (I know my weight loss in week one was only 1.8 pounds, but that was a LOT for me).

Here's the success of this story... I didn't gain! Not an ounce! THIS is good news. It's common for that to happen. And considering I'd had a few struggles this week with feeling run-down and trying to keep the balance, I'm actually pleased by this. No gain in week 2!

Today played out rather bizarrely. I woke up early, (and thanks to my listening to my body and taking the recovery day yesterday I actually FELT better and ready to get up) and did my workout immediately.

Then I got dressed and went to a memorial for a beloved teacher, Kristin Spangler who passed away from breast cancer only a few weeks ago. I'm surrounded by this awful disease. Too many family members have been diagnosed. Too many friends and family have died from it. It sickens me.

The memorial was beautiful and appropriate and I was pleased to have been there to honor such an extraordinary woman. She had "magic hands". (She taught us the Alexander Technique and lived it in her day to day life. Amazing).

My friend, Alexis, and I found ourselves remembering her and laughing about crazy school moments on the drive back. I realized I hadn't eaten since 9am and it was now 2:30pm. To remedy it, we went to the Chicago Diner (amazing vegan/vegetarian options). I chose as wisely as I could and, yes, had them wrap 1/2 of it to take home. Which was good because I really could have eaten the entire plate! But now I have breakfast for tomorrow.

Then I came home and changed clothes AGAIN for Jon's company holiday party. It was at the Chicago Yacht Club. This was a fun night. I indulged in 1/2 a drink and was forced to eat what they served (a really awful barbeque sauced salmon...um, YUCK!). But I was careful and took small portions of everything (like I did at Thanksgiving). I probably over-estimated the calories in the dinner, but better to over-estimate than under-estimate, right?

Then I came home. I planned to work on a few Chanukah and Christmas gifts, but I was exhausted. So, bedtime!

Did NOT get my 80 - 100 oz of water in today. It was rough with all the running around and lack of bathrooms. I will remedy that tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goal: drink 80 - 100 oz of water!

Calories Consumed: 1250 (approximately)

Workout: Cardio:

42 min (jogging, step-ups), 5 min warm-up/stretch,

Strength Training:

50 back rows (15 lbs each side);

50 biceps curls (10 lbs);

50 triceps curls (1o lbs);

50 shoulder press (10 lbs);

50 chest flies (10 lbs)

Day 8 - Emotions and choices

So today should have been a completely productive day, food and workout wise. And, for the most part, it was!

I did drink 80 oz of water (and I was proud of myself for that!). I did get weights in and I did get some cardio in (yay). Food went ok, although I think I ended up eating less calories than I intended. Not a terrible thing, but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode because I'm "afraid" to eat something.

What was on my mind today was more emotional and past baggage. One of my recurring issues is my inability to, sometimes, let go of the past. I find myself dwelling on things I could have/should have done better. Trying to figure out how to make amends with people who, frankly, don't want my amends. I would find myself making amends to people who didn't even deserve them. Just so they "wouldn't hate me". I was/am often upset by people who "don't like me". However, recently, I've realized that it's only the people I knew/know or whom I can't understand their logic of why they don't like me.

Example: I get when you break up with someone or they break up with you there's bad blood/tension. It's understood. Might be there for some time. But after a few years and new relationships and you're happy and they're happy and life is different, really? Are you REALLY still holding that grudge?

In my case I have 3 ex's that just won't talk to me. At all. Won't be facebook friends, won't communicate, etc. And, frankly, I know it's not the end of the world. But, especially in the case of two of them, they're both happily married and doing their thing (one of them has a kid now, I believe), so what's the problem? I'm OBVIOUSLY not a threat. So what's the harm in remembering/reconnecting with someone you had a very intimate relationship with?

The third one I get. His problem, while I don't agree with it, makes more sense. It was the most recent (2006), and we were engaged.

But more than anything, I just don't do well with crap hanging over me. I feel bogged down by it. I'm not sure where the problem within me lies, but I hate these "loose ends". The idea that there could be something like closure, (although I do believe it's a myth) is a concept I chase around like a cat chases string.

Why?

Why is the physical closure so important to me? Why do I need there to be "peace"? Why does their opinion of me or their lies or their impression of me make me want to prove to them and everyone they've told, "I'm good! I swear! I'm not a bad person! Believe me!"?

I guess that's where the strength of who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish here is all about. By taking this time for ME I'm telling myself that "I AM WORTH IT". And as cheesy/cornball as it sounds, I believe I need to KNOW that. Too many times in my abused past have I believed the opposite. Being the victim, the martyr, the "survivor by any means" is what I thought defined and shaped me.

So, even though I feel like I could have done MORE today, I'm glad I did what I did. I made choices FOR ME. For my health. For my well-being and happiness.

Life is like flying on a plane with altitude problems. When that oxygen mask comes down you put yours on FIRST before helping others.

Putting me first. Hard to do. But I'm doing it.

Tomorrow's goal: Make a healthy choice at mini-reunion breakfast!

Calories Consumed: 951

Workout: 17 min intense cardio (2-3 min rounds), 100 push ups, 100 regular crunches, 100 obliques (each side), 100 reverse crunches, 100 regular squats (10 lbs weights), 100 regular pulsed squats (10 lb weights), 100 plie squats (1o lbs weights), 100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs weights)

Day 5 - Weigh-in #1 and Surprises

Friday, November 27, 2009

I was determined NOT to make this a "Black Friday" for me, in terms of weight-loss! I've been busting it out and, well, here are the results!

1.8 lbs down!

WOO HOO! I, FINALLY, BROKE THROUGH MY PLATEAU!!!!!

I was so excited when I saw the number I nearly bent down and KISSED the scale. Actually, I didn't "believe" the number at first. I moved the scale around my bathroom to a few different places thinking maybe it wasn't calibrating correctly. But, there it was! Down to a different number! Oh joy of joys! Now, if all the weeks could be this good, I'll be THRILLED! :)

Surprises:
So, as in all movie-life, schedules change. And my challenge has just gotten a bit harder...instead of a beginning start date of shooting on January 17, 2010, I am now scheduled for my first day of shooting to begin on January 10, 2010. Um...yeah. I just lost a whole week. Gulp! But I still think I can do it!

I cannot tell you how encouraging you've all been to me. Thank you for your kind words and your continued support! It really really really goes a LOOOONG way! I promise.

Jon and I went out and bought some 10 pound weights. The 8 lbs are getting a little light for me in some of the weight-training exercises! ;) Love graduating up. I feel like an athlete, or a rock star, or some other really awesome person you wanted to be when you grew up. :) Is that what I'm doing? Am I finally growing up? Awww! Just when I started feeling so young!

Calories consumed: 1121

Workout: Cardio DVD, warm-up (5 min), Cardio 1 (20 min / 3 lb and 5 lb weights added), cool-down/yoga (5 min). Today was a "lighter" day for me in terms of workout. I didn't do traditional weights, although my cardio DVD has a bit of weight-training in it.

Tomorrow's Goal: Drink 100 oz of water. I think I fell below my water goal today. I wasn't as vigilant as I'd been in the past few days. I didn't plan well enough and found myself out and about and without water. I guess I should realize if I haven't been to the bathroom in over 2 hours, I'm definitely not drinking enough water! ;)

My Mood: Today I was in a fairly good mood. I had moments of irritability due to not expressing my hurt and "shutting down", but I think I'm beginning to recognize when I do that. It's just REALLY hard to be vulnerable and say, "wow that actually hurt my feelings". Or even ask, "Did you mean that to sound that way? Because to me, that sounded hurtful". Process, process, process! :)