Day 8 - Emotions and choices

So today should have been a completely productive day, food and workout wise. And, for the most part, it was!

I did drink 80 oz of water (and I was proud of myself for that!). I did get weights in and I did get some cardio in (yay). Food went ok, although I think I ended up eating less calories than I intended. Not a terrible thing, but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode because I'm "afraid" to eat something.

What was on my mind today was more emotional and past baggage. One of my recurring issues is my inability to, sometimes, let go of the past. I find myself dwelling on things I could have/should have done better. Trying to figure out how to make amends with people who, frankly, don't want my amends. I would find myself making amends to people who didn't even deserve them. Just so they "wouldn't hate me". I was/am often upset by people who "don't like me". However, recently, I've realized that it's only the people I knew/know or whom I can't understand their logic of why they don't like me.

Example: I get when you break up with someone or they break up with you there's bad blood/tension. It's understood. Might be there for some time. But after a few years and new relationships and you're happy and they're happy and life is different, really? Are you REALLY still holding that grudge?

In my case I have 3 ex's that just won't talk to me. At all. Won't be facebook friends, won't communicate, etc. And, frankly, I know it's not the end of the world. But, especially in the case of two of them, they're both happily married and doing their thing (one of them has a kid now, I believe), so what's the problem? I'm OBVIOUSLY not a threat. So what's the harm in remembering/reconnecting with someone you had a very intimate relationship with?

The third one I get. His problem, while I don't agree with it, makes more sense. It was the most recent (2006), and we were engaged.

But more than anything, I just don't do well with crap hanging over me. I feel bogged down by it. I'm not sure where the problem within me lies, but I hate these "loose ends". The idea that there could be something like closure, (although I do believe it's a myth) is a concept I chase around like a cat chases string.

Why?

Why is the physical closure so important to me? Why do I need there to be "peace"? Why does their opinion of me or their lies or their impression of me make me want to prove to them and everyone they've told, "I'm good! I swear! I'm not a bad person! Believe me!"?

I guess that's where the strength of who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish here is all about. By taking this time for ME I'm telling myself that "I AM WORTH IT". And as cheesy/cornball as it sounds, I believe I need to KNOW that. Too many times in my abused past have I believed the opposite. Being the victim, the martyr, the "survivor by any means" is what I thought defined and shaped me.

So, even though I feel like I could have done MORE today, I'm glad I did what I did. I made choices FOR ME. For my health. For my well-being and happiness.

Life is like flying on a plane with altitude problems. When that oxygen mask comes down you put yours on FIRST before helping others.

Putting me first. Hard to do. But I'm doing it.

Tomorrow's goal: Make a healthy choice at mini-reunion breakfast!

Calories Consumed: 951

Workout: 17 min intense cardio (2-3 min rounds), 100 push ups, 100 regular crunches, 100 obliques (each side), 100 reverse crunches, 100 regular squats (10 lbs weights), 100 regular pulsed squats (10 lb weights), 100 plie squats (1o lbs weights), 100 plie pulsed squats (10 lbs weights)

Day 6 - Best Laid Plans

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Today started off with a bang. I was planning out my exercise and my food because I knew I'd be away from the house for a while and didn't want to get caught eating something unplanned.

How I thought my day would go:

1. Get up early and do 10 min. Cardio 2 (plus warm-up / cool-down) = 20 min.

2. Shower and dress for the day (I had the first table read for the film so I wanted to look nice/appropriate)

3. Get my food together for the day

4. Take Sparky to the vet for a quick vaccination

5. Drop off Wolter and head to rehearsal

6. Be at least 50% of the way through my water in-take by the time rehearsal starts

7. Have a great rehearsal and meet Wolter so we could head to Mom's to help her with her holiday list

8. Get home in time for another round of cardio (this time, Cardio 1 - 20 min with 5 min warm up, 5 min cool down)

9. Have a healthy dinner (courtesy of Wolter)

10. Do laundry!

11. Knock out another round of circuit weights (the 50's with bi's, tri's, back, shoulder, chest) at 10 lb weights.

12. Make sure I've completed my 100 oz of water

13. Log my food and write a fantastic blog about my great day!

HA!

Yeah, today did not go as originally planned.

Here's what REALLY happened:

1. Get up early and do 10 min. Cardio 2 (plus warm-up / cool-down) = 20 min.
Actually this went quite well! I got up early. Did the cardio and was happy I got that done. Day was looking good! = Win!

2. Shower and dress for the day (I had the first table read for the film so I wanted to look nice/appropriate)
I did, finally, get my butt in the shower (although I dawdled more than I'd planned) and was somewhat rushed in getting dressed. Plus, today was one of those days where everything looked icky on my body and I just wasn't feeling pretty.
= Win-sort of

3. Get my food together for the day
This was a bit rushed too. But I did manage to pack a good amount of food. Plus, I know the director and his wife are amazing and would have healthy options (and quite a spread) for us at the table-read. = Win-sort of

4. Take Sparky to the vet for a quick vaccination
Quicker than I'd imagined and he even got his nails clipped! = Win!

5. Drop off Wolter and head to rehearsal
Done and done! = Win!

6. Be at least 50% of the way through my water in-take by the time rehearsal starts
I was barely through 20 oz when rehearsal started. Plus, I'd been so early getting to rehearsal i went and hung out at a coffee shop and got a tea. So I was full of chai tea and there was just not enough room for chugging water at that point! I was feeling like my day was starting to unravel just a bit. Plus, I knew we'd be in the middle of reading through a script! It wasn't like I could pop up and go to the bathroom whenever I chose. I just figured I'd make it up later. = Possible Fail

7. Have a great rehearsal and meet Wolter so we could head to Mom's to help her with her holiday list
Had a GREAT rehearsal! Hooked up with Wolter at Mom's and began the holiday list = Win!

8. Get home in time for another round of cardio (this time, Cardio 1 - 20 min with 5 min warm up, 5 min cool down)
And here is where everything fell apart. Mom's awesome computer and the printer were not cooperating. Jon and I worked for nearly 4 hours trying to make this thing print envelopes and not make everything look like crap. I was getting testy. Jon was getting punchy. It was not going well. Mom offered to make dinner... = Fail

9. Have a healthy dinner (courtesy of Wolter)
Yeah...well...mom had taken my food issues in to consideration (which was incredibly nice of her) and I had a fairly healthy meal. However, because I was overwhelmed with how long this project was taking, my schedule was getting messed up. I was feeling defeated and frustrated because I was hungry but not for what I was "supposed to eat". That was frustrating, but, honestly, I couldn't see what it was I thought I wanted to eat. I didn't eat anything technically bad for me, but I was noting how much I all of a sudden really wanted a piece of chocolate. Or a pinwheel cookie. All because of frustration... = moderate Fail

10. Do laundry!
This was SO not happening! = Epic Fail

11. Knock out another round of circuit weights (the 50's with bi's, tri's, back, shoulder, chest) at 10 lb weights.
At this point this has yet to happen. And, honestly, it really may not happen. I'm so tired. By the time I got home it was 11:00pm! I don't know if I have the strength to finish this blog and proofread it, let alone do the weights! = Fail

12. Make sure I've completed my 100 oz of water
This did not happen. I don't even think I got close. MAYBE 50%? I mean, I'm not asleep yet. There's still time... = Fail

13. Log my food and write a fantastic blog about my great day!
At this point I want to shoot my morning self in the face for all the perkiness it had and yell obscenities at the world due to my frustration. Yeah, it's not been a stellar day. But I DID log my food, so far, and I AM writing about my...er...day. So = Fail/Win

Here's what I'm taking away from today:

I can't control everything. I know I want to. I want all my best laid plans to work when I want them to. It isn't going to happen. So, all I can do is prepare for things as I imagine them and improvise when I don't. I really did the best I could today, given the circumstances. I am irritable and cranky, well, probably because I have terrible cramps right now. Plus the frustration level at a computer that just won't communicate properly with a printer has made even the best office employee want to take a Louisville slugger to a machine now and then. It also doesn't help that my mom got a call in the middle of everything that a dear friend's son committed suicide. So she was emotional and that can kick the anxiety level up a notch, too.

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes it's a simple struggle to not be tempted by food. Sometimes it's a full-day of feeling completely behind the 8-ball.

Tomorrow is another day. I will get up and try it all again.

I can feel proud that my choices were the best they could be given my circumstances. I can't necessarily say that they would have been this good even 2 weeks ago. That's saying something. I'm human. I forget that fact once in a while.

Goal tomorrow was supposed to be Recovery day for exercise. However, depending on how I'm feeling, I may try to bust out those weights and get that moving.

Calories consumed: 751 (yes, I know, but I'm planning on having something more to eat in a bit)

Workout: Cardio 2 (10 min), warm-up (5 min), yoga/cool-down (5 min)