Day 93 - Matters of the Heart and Taxes

Thursday, February 25, 2010

So today was busy but also slightly disorienting.  I've been in rehearsals to understudy for a show called Senior Spotlight for Imagination Theatre.

This work is very rewarding because we take the show to senior resident homes and work with them on imagination, sing-a-longs, etc. It really seems to help the majority of them forget about their "troubles" for a short while.

One of the other things we do is called a residency.  We visit one home 12 times and work one-on-one with a group of seniors.  We do exercises for their memories and their minds.  We do sing-a-longs and encourage them to get a bit active and enjoy things.

I'm looking forward to the work.  I'm just a little nervous.

Anyhow, we have a very short rehearsal schedule but they are beginning shows on Tuesday!  Yikes!  So quick.  With tight harmonies and choreography (oh goodness there go my two left feet again) I just really hope neither of the people I'm understudying gets sick...or a really good paying job...right?

I came home fully expecting to get A LOT of stuff done (including working out), and was very accomplished with my to-do list...however somehow the workout just didn't happen.

I don't like that.

It's imperative that I make time for that.  But I just didn't put my focus in the right places.

I guess the fact that I really wanted to do my taxes and get them DONE was weighing much more heavily on my head.

Lately, I've gotten phone calls/emails/texts from 3 friends who are dealing with matters of the heart.  I want so much to make things easier on them and their sadness/frustrations.   There must be something in the air.

My life-long friend, (and one of my maids of honor-to-be), called last night so upset.  I sat on my bed with my receipts spread out before me and just talked it out with her.  She doesn't live here so it's incredibly hard to give a full emotional hug to someone over the phone but we try.  She needed it.  And deserves it.  I wish I could take her pain away.  I know it will figure itself out.  I just hate it when people I love so dearly are in pain.

Other than that, I gotta find some me/down time.  It's been on-the-go for too long.  I'm getting cranky.

What are some things you do to unwind??

Calories Consumed: 962

Workout: NONE

Day 39 - New Years Eve and Recovery

Thursday, December 31, 2009

So today is New Years Eve!  Work sucked.  There was a problem with security in the mail room and towards the end of my day I was stressed and dealing with building issues.  It was not a pretty day to start my happy jaunt into 2010.

But like everything else, it ended and I left.

This week has been slightly stressful.  I've been waiting on some news that I wasn't able to get until 4pm today.  The news would either be a relief or potentially bad.  Upon arriving home I got the news and, thankfully, it was GOOD news!

But, the week of stressing, I think, caused me to have mild setbacks in my weight-loss.  I've been working on staying unstressed as often as possible.  Trying different tactics to keep my anxiety down and keep myself on an even keel.  It's worked some of the time.   But this week it just wasn't my week.

I will be blown away if the scale shows a loss of any kind tomorrow.  Blown away.

Mostly because of a few factors:
1. I have been stressed.
2. I have been emotional.
3. I was not as awesome on my salt intake as I could have been
4. I upped my weights to 12 lbs for somethings which means muscle is growing

All of these factors could contribute to the scale.

I've been feeling bloated too.  But I know that's to be expected here and there.  All I can do is just keep up my weekly routine and trust that my body is changing even if the scale isn't showing it.

I expect setbacks, I am just trying to not feel like a failure when they happen.  Although, they haven't happened yet.  Tomorrow will tell exactly how/if I need to improve.

As far as doing a workout, I decided that Jon and I haven't had a night where we can just relax and watch a movie.  So we did.  I chose to make this day a complete recovery day.  NO WORKOUT.  We did our laundry and just decided to kick back, watch a movie and then wait for midnight!

It was a blast!  Perfect evening.

Today's Goal:  Do 3 2 minutes sprints = FAIL (well, because today became recovery day)

Tomorrow's Goal:  Jump back into the workout again adding the 12 lbs to the upper body

Calories Consumed: 1206

Workout = NONE (recovery)

Here's to a brand new year!  Yay for 2010!  I get to get married this year!!!!!! :)

Day 29 - Me first and addiction

Monday, December 21, 2009

So today I had to work for this temp job I'm doing for 3 weeks. It's not a bad gig, actually. The residents are pleasant and the staff is really awesome and helpful.

I love that I am working by myself in this office. It's wonderful and "freeing" to not be watched all the time. I do have a supervisor I will check-in with when necessary but he works out of the corporate office.

I find that I'm identifying, in myself, certain behaviors and reactions that I'm not sure I was aware of. For example: I've noticed how much less anxiety I've felt recently. I don't know if it's from a clearer focus on what I actually want to do with my life or because of my more stable lifestyle.

I have surrounded myself with very addictive people while I stayed "unaddicted" or "the one you can count on". I was always surprising people when they realized I didn't have a true eating disorder, or alcoholism, or drug problem. Considering my abusive past and more recent relationships it did seem "not normal".

I believe I made myself anxious and crazy and found solace in helping others to the detriment of myself. I would take on charity cases and focus on them without ever having to focus on me. It's exhausting having to really take myself into account. I guess I never thought I was all that great to be around. I truly didn't like myself and couldn't understand why anyone else would like me.

When I looked at myself with a hard critics eye, I realized that I was really right about everything I thought. And I was jealous that others didn't have these "problems". It pissed me off. I finally realized I was my own self-fulling prophecy. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, "No, Ali, you're fine! You're great!". Funny thing was, people WERE telling me that. ALL THE TIME. I just didn't believe them. I believed this crazy idea in my head. I don't want that crazy idea to be right anymore. So the only thing I can change is how I approach things and my behavior, right? So, yeah.

This is part of the reason I started this blog. Yes, it was to be accountable to myself about how much I'm consuming and how much I'm working out. But, also, I know what I've done for 33 years hasn't worked. So it was time to try it a different way.

My ex pushed me to walk away from our life and our wedding two months before the date. He manipulated me and kept my dog, claiming he'd take me to court and win since his father is a lawyer. He tugged at every heartstring I had and then would push me away and ignore me, claiming "he needed space". I was miserable, but I thought it was love.

It wasn't love. It was addiction.

Ugh, there is SO much more I could go on about with this one. Suffice it to say, going "cold turkey" on an addiction is really really hard. It doesn't help that I suffer every day and miss my dog. However, I know it's the best compromise given the circumstances.

I see what a stable life and real love really means with Jon. We have a true partnership. It's special and real and he doesn't try to manipulate my feelings by threatening to leave me or push me away to see how hard I'll try to fight back. We trust each other. There is no walking on eggshells or anxiety about how we deal with each other.

That is love. Sustainable and real love.

I'm trying not to regret anything. That's hard. Putting things in the past is not an easy thing for me. It's definitely still a process I'm working on.

That said, my day ended on a good note. We got all our errands done that we set out to do today. Dishes are done, animals are fed and I had a good workout. All in all a reflective but good day!

Today's Goal: Do my workout = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Try and get the cardio done in the morning before work

Calories Consumed: 1012

Workout:

Cardio:

3 minutes warm-up

50 minutes (jog/run - with five 1 min. sprints)

8 minutes cool-down and stretch

Strength Training:

50 push-ups

50 back rows (15 lbs each side)

50 biceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 triceps curls (10 lbs each side)

50 shoulder press (10 lbs each side)

50 chest flies (10 lbs each side)

Day 9 - Help and Inspiration

So today started out great! I got to have breakfast with a few high school friends and their significant others (and kid!) It was wonderful to see them! We caught up on what we were up to and, interestingly, I noticed a few things.

Everyone has been through shit:

As we went around the table I realized that my crazy "soap opera" story of how Jon and I met/got together/got accused of cheating/ etc. was par for the course. Every one had been through struggles and bad situations. No one's was "worse" than anyone else's and, funny enough, we all felt just as badly for each other.

Everyone has had success:

As much as we've all shown our scars, we've all experienced happiness! That was truly inspiring. Even through the crazy stuff, we've all survived and soldiered on. It was a beautiful thing to look around the table and realize I was happy! And by being happy I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Everyone has dreams that never came true:

We've all come from the same place (our high school) where we were touted as the future of the arts. We had drive, ambition, high hopes, energy and endurance. We all thought if we worked hard enough, met the right people, put ourselves in the right place, we'd be "successful", or our idea of successful. It's amazing to see that all that still lies there, sometimes beneath, sometimes on the surface, but it's shifted. We all STILL have that same fire in our bellies, but maybe our dreams changed! And THAT'S OK! We're finding our path in a different way. AND THAT'S OK!

Everyone has an open and generous heart:

If I learned anything walking away from that breakfast, I realized that I know some amazing people in my life. These women are only the tip of the iceberg on the mountain of friends I know are in my court. I'm wealthy with love. And I know that I give it right back. The biggest impression these ladies made on me was realizing that, above all, I love their hearts and their souls. And I was lucky to sit in their presence and share in that love. Sounds corny, right? Well, yeah, maybe. Either way, I felt beautiful. And they were beautiful to me. And we were all glowing from the inside. That was pretty damned special. :)

On a food note, I was a little nervous about what to eat. I mean, essentially, restaurants are notorious for feeding people 3 servings PER PERSON. Sometimes more. I knew that I was going to have to decide to take home my food even before I ordered it.

And that's what I did.

I chose slightly more unhealthy than I would have at home, but nothing horrible. And considering I was eating smaller portions, I was proud of myself in my choices.

I ended up eating the 2nd serving for lunch and I now have that last serving for breakfast tomorrow!

Tonight was The Biggest Loser episode. I spent it working out and watching. It was a great episode. It reminded me of something.

I have a lot of trouble asking for help.

I think it stems from my not wanting to be a burden or seem weak. Seeming weak and/or lazy is a HUGE issue with me. Now, honestly, I don't know where the issue originated. Maybe someone called me that when I was really young, or I know how I judge people who I feel aren't making an effort. (I'm working on that judging thing too!) But, regardless, I never want to seem unable to handle things. Whatever that means. So...asking for help can be one of those things. Weakness. ICK.

However, I noted that I have publicly posted this blog! I've sent emails about it to people. I have, ASKED FOR HELP in supporting me on this journey!

Here's the amazing thing:

PEOPLE HAVE COME THROUGH!

I've gotten emails and facebook messages from you! You've been so helpful and wonderful and supportive! You've even told me it's inspiring! It's kept me going! HONEST! :)

So thank you!

Lesson learned: Asking for help isn't always seen as weak! :)

That makes me happy!

Today's Goal: Make a healthy choice at the mini-reunion = SUCCESS!

Tomorrow's Goal: Get at least 30 min. of cardio in (plus my weights)

Calories Consumed: 1068

Workout: 33 minutes of cardio (jogging/invisible jump rope), 75 back rows (15 lbs), 75 bicep curls (10 lbs), 75 tricep curls (10 lbs), 75 shoulder press (10 lbs), 75 chest flies (10 lbs)

AND: I've had 100 oz of water!!! Woo hoo!